Date: Are you winking or blinking?
Cyclops: I do not know.
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X: I hate when the cat just stands like that, frozen. Why does he do that?
Me: He’s on paws.
X: …
Me: 😁 On… paws.
X: I hate you so much.
Accidentally triple-knotted my laces so I guess I’m wearing these shoes for the rest of my life.
hair coloring options for women:
out of a box = $12.99
going to a hair salon = $7,000
Fails drug test.
Adds “Positive” Person to résumé.
[at a mattress store]
sales assistant: what size are you looking for?
me:*six loads of laundry big* queen should do
Took an edible and got so nervous on this flight that I started petting someone else’s service dog.
If you call the coffee mugs by your bed “a collection”, you never have to take them to the sink
Making a Jurassic Park movie about a guy who went the day before the dinosaurs broke out and is trying to be sensitive about it but also really wants to show you his pictures.
[Me as a hairdresser]
ME: What do u think of your haircutHER: I need more volume
ME [leans in too close] WHAT DO U THINK OF YOUR HAIRCUT
[Inventing octopus]
God: 8 arms
Angel: okayyyy
G: with suckie things
A: and-
G: Mouth like a parrot, shoots ink
A: wtf
G: …I ate mushrooms
RIP cat who thought sunglasses would stop Medusa
Dr: I’m giving u a proton-pump inhibitor
Me: LIKE A GHOSTBUSTER?
D: No for acid reflu *sees tears welling in my eyes* yes for busting ghosts
Sure sex is cool, but have you ever pulled an old book off a bookcase, opened a secret door & were never seen again
people misspelling definitely as defiantly is one of my pet hates however I do like seeing a status like “defiantly getting a chinese tonight” and imagining someone booting down the door of peking garden.
When you’re craving a Krabby Patty so bad!!! But the Krusty Krab is closed….and also fictional.
I put my fake Christmas tree up in record time
then compulsively fluff it for a month.
New COVID variant tries to sell you an extended auto warranty.
Look, if I have to stop to explain the reasoning behind everything I do, I’ll never get anything done, so could you please just let me finish the construction of this banana cannon
[Ad shows dude getting out of bed before noon on the weekend]
*professional stuntman do not attempt*
I heard my cat walking down the hall because his claws are too long. Then I realized I hadn’t taken off his tap shoes since the photo shoot.
I go to the same coffee shop twice every morning, 1st with my dogs, right out of bed, second on my way to work after I have brushed my hair and put on makeup.
I’m fairly certain thr barista thinks I’m 2 different people.
Squid Game is so captivating because it’s about man’s greatest fear: being told to find a partner to team up with for a project
Husband: Don’t the kids have swimming tonight at 6?
Me: It’s at 7.
H: Oh, I was close.
Me: Yeah, the season ended 3 weeks ago.
operators are standing by to ignore your call
Kenny Rogers: You’ve got to know when to hold em’
Neo-natal nurse: awww
Kenny Rogers: And know when to fold em?
Neo-natal nurse: absolutely not
If a tree falls in the woods it should break into a light jog so it looks like it did it on purpose.
My son got hungry so I gave him a snack. His teacher is gonna say how he can’t eat and before I knew it, I yelled from the kitchen “Girl, he is at home honey!” & then there was silence…….
[Going through customs]
Anything to declare, sir?
1…2…
Sir, what are you–
3…4…I declare a thumb war!
Oh bring it on
*misses flight*
“And now we wait.” —me when I dislike someone before my friends do.