We need to invent a rectangular fruit now that the banana is no longer an accurate representation of the phone-shape. Lotta my bits don’t make sense anymore.
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Gary Numan is 13 days older than Gary Oldman. I don’t even know what to believe any more
What are some fun shapes kids would like to eat?
Perdue Chicken: Dinosaurs?
McCain Potatoes: Smiley faces?
Mondelez Candies: Other Kids!
You people who pull back the shower curtain checking for psycopathic murderers … if you find one, what’s your plan?
Now that I am a parent I am confident that the reason my parents had to “check my Halloween candy” was NOT because of razor blades and drugs.
With inflation, it would be Mambo No. 6.59 in 2013
When asked my theory on Amelia Earhart’s disappearance I said “maybe she went black” and now I don’t have to help with homework
Hearing a toddler say “uh oh” from a different room: cheaper than joining a gym and just as effective a workout
People: we are overfishing the sea
McDonalds: we’ll make the Filet o Fish smaller
People: nonononono
[a commercial for tampons]
Hi babe I picked up the tampons you asked me for
“Screw you, you bastard!, I hate you”
Narrator: “Tampons”
The trick when dealing with customer service on the phone is to appear busier than you are. Ask the representative to hang on for just a second and turn away from the phone and say: “Mertle, cut Arthur a severance check please.”
Dog started snarling and barking at me, he was mad as hell because I wouldn’t share his pupperoni.
Just saw a squirrel wipe down a peanut he took from my hand.
What kind of cheese do you pair with a rare bottle of ‘08 Lysol?
Cinderella: I lost another shoe
Prince Charming: *through clenched teeth* who is he
Wife: Let’s watch Netflix.
Me: Ok. [starts movie]
Wife: [sleeping]
Me [pausing]: OMG we are two seconds into it.
Wife: What?
Me: You’re sleeping.
Wife: I’m not sleeping. Press Play.
Me: [presses Play]
Wife: [sleeping]
I keep a list of all the people who get on my nerves so I know who’s getting the glittery Christmas cards.
[ undercover stake out ]
me, adjusting fake mustache: all clear, how bout you
donut wrapped in lettuce: *vegetable noises*
My wife and I couldn’t agree about whether or not I’m her hero. She’s in the bathroom right now and I’ve hid the toilet paper. We’re about to resolve this.
If you died and became a ghost haunting a graveyard you’d save ~$800 a month in rent. That’s over 600k a year. Being broke is a mindset and there’s no excuse for it
He told me to strike while the iron is hot, like I know what an iron is.
psychic: [sees guy in crowd w/ a pony tail] Sir did u know a Chad?
“yes”
From karate?
“YES”
Chad wants u to know he’s ok
*guy starts crying*
My girlfriend broke up with me. I am devastated. How could you. I did everything. I surprised you with burgers every night
The secret to brushing a toddler’s teeth is to play some music, use two toothbrushes… then have a good laugh at yourself for thinking there are any real parenting hacks
My daughter lost her first tooth today and has not stopped crying since. Why she didn’t punch me back I have no idea
[opens treasure chest & it’s full of treasure]
Me: whoa
Friend: what is it?
Me [slowly closing chest]: spiders
To everyone in this doctors waiting room: calm down. I’ll hit the right note on my trumpet eventually.
*accidentally walks into lion’s den
*goes back to party in lion’s living room
I asked my 5yo not to do something, and he just smiled maniacally and nodded his head until I gave up. I’m going to try this on my wife.
Edgar Allan Poe Because Edgar Allan Got No Job
[texting]
HotGirl: Help me ace the Periodic Table test tomorrow?
Nerd: Selenium Neodymium Neon Tungsten Darmstadtium
HG: ?
N: SeNd NeWDs