JOB INTERVIEWER: Do you know short-hand?
ME: Do I know what, fat-face?
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Nothing prepares you for the day your adult son starts sharing sexual jokes in the family group text.
to celebrate the 30th anniversary of Jurassic Park we will be switching off 30 of the world’s most important electric fences.
That soy sauce packet is just living rent free in your drawers
Me: *mouth full* These instant mashed potatoes your sister sent us are awful
Him: Those are my mom’s ashes!
Me: *adding salt* That makes more sense
There is no wrong response when someone tells you they have named their pet after you.
I’ve never got out of a straight jacket but I did once get out of my sleeping bag whilst drunk and I’ve got to assume it’s roughly the same skill set
Well, this is awkward
First rule of being Italian is to tell everyone you’re Italian.
(I can say this cause I’m Italian.)
Why go out and be a 3rd wheel when you can stay home and be a unicycle?
*sets cauldron over crackling fire*
*adds lock of his hair*
*does magicky stuff*Now love me.
**POOF**
*my left eyebrow falls off*
My daughter is mad at me because I didn’t offer her a banana first thing this morning.
She hates bananas.
If you eat a king crab you are automatically in succession for the crustacean throne.
Finally had ‘The Talk’ with my kids last night.
Told them some animals eat their young, so they’d better get their shit together before dinner
[lumberjack interview]
BOSS: I’m gonna “axe” you a few questions. Haha do you get it?
ME: Yeah I “saw” that coming
BOSS: Ooo welcome aboard!
“Is there a Mrs. Prime?” — EVERY GIRL TRANSFORMER EVER, I MEAN LOOK AT HIM
A new study shows that people who have a rich social life, live longer. In other news, I died in 1982.
[staring up at the sky]
ME: what does that cloud look like to you?
11YR OLD DAUGHTER: I’d say it’s a semi-transparent altocumulus, or at least something of the stratocumuliform physical category
ME: well I see a corn dog
A minute, 45 seconds.
How long I’ll hold my hands under a restaurant faucet before I finally realize it’s not motion activated.
DAUGHTER: [burying pet rabbit in the garden] Goodbye Mr Hoppers. I’ll miss you!
ME: [to wife] Doesn’t it have to be dead first?
Dr: Are you sexually active?
Me: *cries*
Dr: Um, are you sexually-
Me: *cries harder*
Dr: …..Ok. Do you drink?
Me: YES I BLOODY DRINK
i don’t mean to brag, but i totally got to third base with my rem cycle last night.
My body is a wonderland. But that weird one Alice fell into.
If you send her a message and she doesn’t reply in six months she is probably thinking about it
A spider built his web across my door and I walked straight into it and for a moment I bet he dared to dream that he’d pulled off that one big heist that would finally let him retire.
Fell down on the treadmill, got pudding everywhere.
*hears Siren’s song*
*eyes glaze*
*walks in a trance ten miles*
*breaks window to donut shop*I’m here, Mistress.
*eats everything*
*dies*
In school I was voted moist likely to have the worst typos.
Super irresponsible to host a murder mystery party when real murders go unsolved
If you run through an airport yelling “Marybeth I love you don’t go!” then you can cut through so many lines of people who like romance.
if Yoda asks for chocolate milk, do you get him a drink or a candy bar???