:office birthday party:
CW: Would you like to sign the card?
Me: Nah, just here for the cake. Karen will understand.
CW: His name is Joe.
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Them: How much would you have to win in the lottery to quit your job?
Me: At this point I’d probably walk if I won a free coffee in McDonalds Monopoly
I bet Eve bit that apple because she knew she was going to get a bunch of clothes out of it.
If it weren’t for this whole job thingy that pays me money I’d become a professional nap taker.
(Auditioning to be a bird)
*accidentally walks into a sliding glass door*
DIRECTOR: Wow, she’s really good.
When you’re eating fries and get that one- not a cold one, not a sharp one, but one tastes like death, like something went real wrong- and then you just keep going.
I have to fast for 48 hours for my upcoming colonoscopy. My husband is not having a colonoscopy, but he will be fasting for 48 hours as well. He just doesn’t know it yet.
What is a Sherpa?
“Let me summit up for you.”
What do you call a Magician without any magic?
Ian.
[someone is nice to me]
*checks if wallet’s still in my pocket*
I don’t care what anyone says, “catlike indifference” is a compliment.
This might not be true but we have house centipedes so I was looking up how to get rid of them and ppl were like don’t, they’re apex predators so they’ll eat all the other bugs, then the other centipedes and eventually you’ll be left with just one extremely powerful centipede
Dr. Seuss: Would you could you in a box?
Would you could you with a fox?me: ok what kind of doctor are you anyway
Can everyone please stop tweeting the clapping emoji it’s making all my lights turn on and off
me before coffee: ugh why is everyone shouting
me after coffee: okay yes I do see the fire now
Me: Omg, my legs are like jello!
Trainer: You stood up.
Me: Sooo sore!!
Birdbox, but it’s just me yelling at you not to look when the lights accidentally come on during sex.
i like the aisle seat on a flight because it gives me power over the other two people next to me. you wanna go to the bathroom? need to grab something from your bag in the overhead? better ask my permission. i’m the king of row 37 bud
[first day as coast guard]
Boss: 7 people died on your watch today
Me [looking off into the distance]: yes but the coast is fine
Some people have bedroom eyes. I have interrogation room eyes.
On my usual morning jaunt this morning, casually advancing the society in which I live, I was briefly detained by an officer of the law. And indeed, as any law abiding citizen would do, I quickly put my clothes back on
This is the greatest Twitter thread ever
Opened the oven door after breakfast was done to let the warm air out into the kitchen because we already paid for that heat.
Starbucks, where 11 members of staff frantically do things behind the counter, yet not one of these things appears to resemble a hot drink
Of the 4 people living in this house, I’m the only one who didn’t immediately try to touch the new cactus houseplant.
My daughter has created a new game show where she puts her shoes all over the house and then asks us where they are
Me, in a job interview: My weaknesses? I’d have to say one would be serving customers. Dealing with people in general.
HR: This is a customer service position. It was in the ad title.
Me: Another weakness is attention to detail. But that’s really it.
I replaced my old flat pillow that hurt my neck with a new fat fluffy pillow that hurts my neck.
I hate ramen noodles.
*Checks bank account balance*
I love ramen noodles!
me: i need to leave early
boss: why
me: i don’t like it here
Chomsky? I’m afraid I don’t Noam