Person: Why are you in a wheelchair?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I asked too many questions.
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If my dog knew how many photos I have of him sleeping, he’d file a restraining order against me.
Let’s all stand up against iron deficiency (but not too fast).
Troubleshooting steps when your car won’t start in the morning:
1. Call in sick
2. Go back to bed
Stand up. Yell, “I OBJECT!” Moonwalk past the bailiff out the side door, finger guns ablaze. PEW PEW PEW!
in a really good place right now!! (ordered something off the sandwich menu and it turned out to be a “toast” and i almost started crying)
My friends are weird. They keep vegetables in their beer crisper. Freaks
I woke up this morning next to a dead fly that I don’t know. I need to stop drinking.
Home buyer: I want to live close to nature!
*wildlife shows up*
Home buyer: Not like that.
Caesar salads are prepared differently than garden salads…Notably, the head of lettuce is first attacked by 40-50 knife-wielding senators.
I want those snacks that have 2 eyes and a scary mouth
-my 3 yo, describing pretzels
ME: Why are my eyes itchy?
WebMD: Eye bees
It’s almost like someone got the entire past year wet and fed it after midnight.
You give me that many goddamn birds for one f****** holiday and I’m grilling the shit out of them. Lemon pepper turtle doves, anyone?
At the end of first grade, my teacher said “your handwriting was pretty good, at the beginning of the year” and that is how I learned about backhanded compliments
quick poll: why’d you break up with me in high school Alison
[At the register]
“Find everything ok?”
“No I figured I’d get in line, pay for just a few things, then start the process all over again.”
It’s called a “Monte Cristo” sandwich because one day it will return disguised as another sandwich & seek its revenge
I can never tell if a woman’s smiling at me because she’s interested or if it’s just my hot dog costume
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for youMe, handing out Halloween candy
living in a small apartment and not being able to find something is so embarrassing. like there’s three square feet in here what do you mean you cant find it
I like Tweets that are so good that when I send them to FB my old friends won’t talk to me on the phone for a week.
A classic example of a cat being a cat.
This one’s “Alex”.
Me: I’m going to be a great doctor one day
My patient: [bleeding out] when
Them: Describe your personality using one word.
Me: no
I’m just a MAN standing in front of a DOOR because I thought it was AUTOMATIC
Using soap as a garnish because the store was all out of cilantro.
Sit-ups are no fun, sharpie abs are definitely the way to go if you want permanent results.
1 star recipe reviews are always like “I replaced the sugar with flax seed and butter with spinach and these pancakes came out dry and gross. Do not recommend”
For a while after my wife left me I found it really difficult to listen to any of ‘our’ songs. She’d taken the entire CD collection with her.