When I was younger, I thought a taxidermist was a dermatologist that arrived in taxis.
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I’d take the high road if it weren’t for the debilitating vertigo.
Kids at this rave act like they’ve never seen a CPAP machine.
doctor: are u sexually active
me: no i just sort of lay there
Taxidermist’s Wife: Whatcha thinkin’ about?
Taxidermist: Stuff.
“Watch what happens when the human children hear the sound of their mother eating something four rooms away.”
-if animals made nature shows
Therapist: Would you date yourself?
Me: No, I deserve better…
Heard someone explaining how to close a bag of chips and now all I can think about is who doesn’t finish an entire bag of chips after opening it?
“No, Mr. Bond, I expect you to dye.” Auric Goldfinger giving instructions at his Easter egg decorating party.
finished mowing the grass, thus solving the problem once and for all
My husband is going to be so surprised when he finds out the woman I’ve been sleeping with is way hotter than his girlfriend.
#IsStrangerThanStrangerThings
A groundhog taking the wheel
In summer, I drive with hands at 11 and 1 so the air conditioner vents point directly at my armpits.
kid: *reading ouija board* she says you should vacuum
mom: who?
kid: grandma. she’s coming back
mom: honey grandma died years ago
[urn falls off mantle]
mom: get the—
kid: —vacuum?
My pet bird bit me so I showed him a picture of a rotisserie chicken
Behold…the 4th horseman of the Apocalypse.
Yaba daba do not resuscitate
Me: So tired. So weak. Is this the coronavirus?
My body: The only vegetable you’ve had in weeks was on a pizza.
Me: Why me? I’m so young, so new to this earth
Body: You slept 20 total hours last week.
Me: Oh mortality, so cruel, so dark.
Body: Maybe drink water? Just once
Vampire selfies are just phones floating in front of bathroom mirrors.
[Cat birthday party]
*Cat opens gift from her husband*
“It’s…an empty box.”
*silence*
“Oh honey, I love it!”
Things more likely to kill you than Ebola:
– choking on a wheat thin
– erotic asphyxiation
– falling off the toilet
– a duck with a gun
I bet i could still be a stuntman
[Breaks a hip getting off the couch]
Okay maybe not
I was trying to give my wife the silent treatment, but then she asked what I wanted from McDonald’s
If happiness is a moving target and I’ve been chasing it all my life, why am I fat?
I don’t stroke my beard to seem wise. I’m just trying to get the crumbs out before you notice.
I like to sleep naked, I love the feeling of the sheets against my skin.
On an unrelated note I’m not allowed in Ikea anymore
Ever since Facebook allowed images in their comments sections people only ever communicate via pictures. We’re 21st-century cavemen.
Two things I have learned at the beach:
1. Surfers are some of the nicest humans on the planet
2. Pelicans are the honey badgers of the bird world. If you’re standing next to a fish in the ocean, they don’t care one bit. They’ll dive & splash one foot from you & eat that fish.
My aunt dropped by unexpectedly and when she knocked on the door, instead of barking, my dog tried to jump in the lit fireplace and I’ve never felt so on the same level as anything ever.
If you look in the mirror & say “pumpkin spice latte” 3x a white suburban girl will appear & tell you everything she loves about the fall