Hate when the grammar police single me out like some kind of which hunt
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When the doctor told me I only had six months to live, I killed him violently with his own pencil.
Worked a treat.
Got me twenty years.
Surprise your girlfriend at work by wearing a ski mask and taking everyone hostage
It breaks my heart to think that of the 100 million hardworking pads of paper in this country, only about 20% are legal.
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
SUPER DANCE OFF??
Cop: OH YEAH
OH YEAH?
Cop: No, not really. There’s a warrant for your arrest.
oh no
[looking disappointed at the playboy mansion]
i was told there’d be bunnies
I swear I am going to sit in the parking lot and slam a bag of beef jerky before my dental hygienist appointment.
Make her earn every dollar of that teeth cleaning.
Her: WHAT?!
Him: *stops walking around* I said, do you like my new shoe horns?
HR: Did you call an employee stupid?
Me: No, I asked if he knew he was stupid.
*Vacuums for three minutes*
“Oh God I can’t keep up with this house”
Mom made me take Millie to the prom. With her dark hair and big, brown eyes, I didn’t argue. Horseshoes can sure wreck a gymnasium floor.
If they don’t want me to ash on the floor,maybe they should put some ashtrays in this gym
I am HOWLING at this
If your wife says “what would you do without me?”
“Live happily ever after” is NOT the correct answer.Brrrr it’s cold in this doghouse 🙁
My daughter keeps exclaiming, “What in tarnation?” when something surprises her. It’s cute but a little like living with a 3rd Grade Yosemite Sam.
[pre-op]
Me: In just a few minutes we’ll administer your euthanasia.
Patient: Don’t you mean anesthesia?
Me: Sure. Whatever.
YouTube videos are like: fix it yourself in a few easy steps! You just need a screwdriver, soldering iron, hydraulic torque wrench, stork beak pliers, and a scissor lift!
Does Target have crack floating through their air vents? Went in to buy milk, came out with a giraffe, 6-pack, someone’s kid, and a headache
Girl, did you take a massage therapy course at a community college with questionable credentials? Because you’re rubbing me the wrong way.
Titanic should have been called “Vacation Boyfriend”
CEO: We need to come up with a brand name for these sticks of bread.
Guy who named the meatball: *takes deep breath
Someone recently asked me, “What blood type are you?”..
I said , “The red runny type”.
Thank you for showing me your Facebook wedding album. Now if you have time, here is a slideshow of my top 36 scores in Mario Kart
I just got excited about a new scent of dish soap.
No one warned me adulthood was going to be such a non-stop thrill ride.
Sea lions are faster than humans on both land and sea, so if you face one in a triathlon, you really need to make up time on the cycling.
GOOD COP: Here I brought you some tooth paste
BAD COP: Now drink this orange juice
I cleaned the cabinet windows and now you can see how untidy it is inside.
My sex face is the same as my first pee in three hours face
Me: *grins* Couldn’t help but notice you checking me out.
Girl: Yeah, I’m a cashier at a grocery store. That’s my job.