Me: At the start of this year, I never could’ve guessed I’d be in debt to a raccoon
Friend: Animal Crossing is pretty fun though
Me: What’s Animal Crossing?
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A brother from my ward really ticked me off this week, so I made sure to get my family to church early and take the pew his family usually sits in.
Jehovah’s Witness’: Have you given any thought to the afterlife?
Me: Depends, are you two gonna be there?
J.W: Why yes..
[slams the door]
I just learned that in the US you have to pay money to cross a bridge in your car lol like you can’t convince me that America is real.
The devil whispered to me, “I’m coming for you.”
I whispered back, “bring pizza”
professor x: what’s ur superpower
me: hindsight
professor x: that won’t help us
me: yes I see that now
I accidentally killed another cactus & now one of my plants is trying to grow towards the phone to call 911.
Your third emoji is.. Just kidding. I’m an adult.
Date: I can’t believe you never saw titantic
Me: To be fair, it did sink before I was born
showed up to a party wearing the same shirt as someone else, how did we both fit in one shirt
My local radio station is asking people to send in funny photographs taken when you were pissed.
So I’ve sent in my wedding album.
Trying to keep the riff raff away.
I just dusted like 4 years ago this is bullshit
If you’ve seen one lion attack you’ve seen a maul
Got super excited about a 200 meter butterfly till someone explained it to me.
The difference between your husband and your Netflix account is, over time, your Netflix account learns what you like.
Keanu Reeves always seems like he’d be a cool guy to hang out with; you could murder a hundred assassins or maybe do yoga.
The past three months of 2021 have flown by.
FLORIDA MAN SUFFOCATED TO DEATH AFTER HAVING SEX WITH PET ANACONDA
My kid brought home a school fundraiser packet in case anyone wants a $43 roll of wrapping paper or an $80 candle.
wife: I should have never let you take that morse code class
me: shhh *listening to the hail hit our roof* the storm is talking to me
Wife: Please stop telling people you bought me on eBay. It’s not funny
[Later]
Them: So how did you two meet?
Me: I did NOT buy her on eBay
ME: My dog loves it when I work from home.
DOG [to camera, opening beer]: Between you and me, it’s incredibly inconvenient. I had shit planned today.
Heyyyyyyyyyyyo lol 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣😏🥴🤦♂️🤷♂️
I want my 13 year old to understand how important honesty is but also know that she is 12 when kids eat free.
Always use a fish knife when eating fish, a tomato knife when eating tomato, and a Swiss Army knife when eating a member of the Swiss army.
“We’re out of options, I’ll have to use the jetpack,” I said, strapping on the jetpack and ignoring many non-jetpack options still available
Me: Just so you know, I’m on a juice cleanse now.
Friend: Long time?
Me: Since lunchtime.
Friend: Until?
Me: Happy Hour. Please bear with me through these difficult hours.
me as a kid: that microwave in spy kids where you can make instant mcdonalds is my dream come true
me now as an adult: that microwave in spy kids where you can make instant mcdonalds is my dream come true