I just changed all my passwords to “kenny”…
Now I have kenny logins.
#dangerzone
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I’m trying to be more fit these days, so now I walk inside the store to buy my donuts instead of using the drive-thru.
You’re telling me Adam DRIVER and Penelope CRUZ (cruise) are in a movie called Ferrari ???????????
Is someone who’s bound by ropes in a cannibals basement considered tie food?
“i am a sweet baby”
me: [trying to sound cool] I’m in a punk band
cute co-worker: that’s cool. What the band’s name?
me: [looking over desk for ideas] Inbox(29)
Batman v Dracula
I’m gonna be so pissed if I die in the middle of an argument I’m about to win.
“The 59th rule of Fight Club is, we cant park in the lot on Vermont anymore – The owner is being a jerk. Just find street parking. 60th…”
I get why she built the pillow wall in our bed…but the barbed wire seemed a bit extreme.
Westjet tells you to show up 2 hours early, which usually means you’ll be arriving at the airport 8 hours before your flight leaves.
Batman: I’m the world’s greatest detective, you’ll never stump me
Riddler: what’s your secret identity
Batman: Bruce Wayne you idiot
Riddler:
Batman: you absolute fool
My body is a “wonder what happened” land
Your honor, my client could not have done this. The crime was committed way past his bedtime
We can say “winter is coming” in a normal way again, right? Like it’s been long enough?
I hate it when I’m by the window and make eye contact with someone outside, so I understand why this lady is shocked to see me up a tree.
Damn girl clean ur room before u paint a selfie
Told my toddler today was Father’s Day and she said “you’re welcome” if you were wondering how the current batch of Generation Z is coming along.
Someone: Im in town!
New Yorkers: OMFG!! That’s so great! Have fun!!!!
No, I’m not proud to be eating Cheetos with chopsticks but I’m knitting so I do feel kinda smart.
“Go ahead, caller. . .”
“Yes, hello. My dog dug up a femur and I’d like to make soup. Would you suggest carrots or potatoes?”
“I Wish I Had Her Skin!”
– Teenage Girls & Serial Killers
HER: this isn’t working out
ME: is it because I’m too literal?
HER: I just don’t want to see you any more
ME: ok *gently closes her eyes*
The cat puked all over the bath mat so I just tossed it into the trash can. Then I put the bath mat in the washer.
Lil Wayne once said “got ten bathrooms, I could shit all day” which I’ve proven can be done with just one bathroom.
ME: I was left in the woods as a baby.
DATE: So, were you raised by wolves?
ME: Not exactly. *gnaws a tree in half*
I carry my checkbook with me everywhere just in case someone wants to be paid in the least convenient way possible.
I really don’t believe all of these women on here are actually named “Sassy”
A white American told me I shouldn’t call myself “British” because brown people aren’t native to Britain.
A white American
White. American.
Me: Ok, the pan for homemade naan is heated and ready, rice is cooking, butter chicken is simmering, chicken nuggets for the younger kids are in the air frier, and veggies are steaming. Dinner may just be on time.
Narrator: Dinner was late. He forgot to turn on the air frier.