Thought for the day:
Shouldn’t you really have more than one thought each day?
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2 years later
DELIVERY GUY: Here’s your 3 toppings pizza.
ME: Sorry, I don’t have enough left to tip you.
DELIVERY GUY: Then why didn’t you just order 2 toppings?
ME: *reluctantly hands him the pepperoni*
ME: Hey bro you got toilet paper?
GUY IN NEXT STALL: Yeah [slides me toilet paper]
ME: No I don’t need any I’m just checking.
GUY IN NEXT STALL: Why?
ME: Because I care.
Me, seductively: I can tie the stem in a knot using my tongue 😉
Pumpkin patch owner: Get out
And I don’t want to hear people from imaginary places like Finland telling me that 57 degrees isn’t cold, save it for the elves, Santa
If you’re not careful with those, you’ll shoot your eye out.
*points to Spanx*
i hate it when im tryna spell a word and autocorrect can’t either
I say “Hey man, I got your back.” He thanks me until he collapses from being spineless. I give his back to an infant. “Baby got back.” I say
2032. Predictive Text has been perfected. You idly check in on your lunch break to see what you & your best friend have been chatting about.
Cellmate: what did you do?
Me: robbed a bank.
Cellmate: nice! how’d you get caught?
Me: [lights a cig and takes a long drag]
I stopped to put all the money facing the same way.
Why do prescription pills always say “by mouth?” Where else would people put th…
Ooooooh.
When sewing, always remember pattern placement is key.
Friend: Will we be hearing the patter of tiny feet soon?
Me: *grabbing her arm too hard* You know about my squirell army
Doing couples therapy by myself to try and get double the help
Homework. The teachers’ way of knowing how smart the parent is.
I get into bed.
Husband is already asleep.
I must build a pillow fort between us to keep his hot breath off of my face.
Marriage is fun.
[Walking my chihuahua]
Dude: “Is it OK if I pet you dog?”
Me: “Sure. Go ahead”
*Dude pets dog; dog bites off 3 fingers
Dude: “Aaargh. WTF, man!”
Me: “Yeah. I wish he’d stop doing that.”
Turns out my get rich painfully slow scheme isn’t working out either.
It’s freedom of expression.
Grocery Store Manager: sir you were holding a potato in a tiny cage and threatening the store potatoes
Butter my backside and call me a biscuit.
FedEx would be a cool name for a restaurant for divorced couples
me: slip out of that little red thing you’re wearing
*unwraps Babybel*
I don’t know if this is a bacon bit or a scab, but either way it’s delicious.
overrated: crying in the shower
underrated: using the shower rack for all the assorted condiments for your shower tacos
Sometimes you just need to burn everything down to start over.. take a deep breath. close your eyes and enjoy the heat..
aaaaaaaaaaaaannnnnnd apparently that’s also arson.
What kind of deranged lunatic gets home from a long night at the bar and eats a piece of fruit?
I have the grace of a baby giraffe on a bicycle.
Me: *pooping with the door open*
Olive Garden Mgr: “I know what the slogan says ma’am, we aren’t THAT kind of family.”
I don’t hold a grudge. I need both hands free for the chainsaw.
Also, kids? Don’t DM us pretending you are some school official cancelling school. Closings don’t work like that. & we’re not that dumb.