Kids insults are great. My youngest told my oldest “If your clothes were any tighter, you’d look like a wiener dog”
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[hosting a kids show]
ME: ok everybody, what time is it?? say it loud!!
KIDS: OWL! TOUCHING! TIME!
[camera zooms in on a startled barn owl]
History Channel, 1995: Here’s some things that happened
History Channel, 2005: Here’s some things that could have happened
History Channel, 2015: Here’s some things that realistically never happen
History Channel, 2025: Here’s some aliens that restore ice road trucks for war
If you add enough jalapeños no one will ever know you’re a bad cook.
*hears Siren’s song*
*eyes glaze*
*walks in a trance ten miles*
*breaks window to donut shop*I’m here, Mistress.
*eats everything*
*dies*
When listening to skinny girls talk about losing weight it’s perfectly reasonable to battle cry then karate chop their tiny stomach’s.
“Morning, how was your weekend?”
Oh honey, that’s not “causing a scene”.
Here, check this out…
The important thing to remember is that nobody asked you.
To change the traffic light from red to green, pick up your phone and try to read a text on your cellphone.
Kmart is closing 108 stores putting 16 cashiers out of work.
Me: But Halloween is the one day a year you get to be anybody you want
Jury at my Identify Theft Trial: [impressed whispering]
Inception (2010) – Five men and one woman plot to nap on a plane.
Whoever gets the gift from me that has scissors under the wrapping paper, I’m going to need those back.
Billy Joel’s Friend: bill i hate that we’ve kept this from you, but.. we started the fire
Billy Joel: and you just LET me write that song?
(three days later, in the shower)
STORMTROOPER: *slaps forehead* omg those WERE the droids I was looking for
Sure I could get off the couch & put new batteries in this remote but instead I am going to hold it high above my head & at different angles
My kids went to great lengths, including the use of interpretative dance, to explain exactly how big the bags under my eyes are
If you’ve ever wondered about the joys of parenting
Ok hear me out ….A smoke detector that turns off when you scream “I’m only cooking “
PRINCIPAL: Your father needs to speak to you urgently
SON: Oh my god what’s wrong
ME: I think your mother gave you my oreo thins by mistake
Last night my kids suggested I kill and eat someone to gain his strengths. I think I should start locking the door when I sleep.
[cute guy approaches at bar]
Him: Hey can I…
Me: [blushing] Yes?
Him: Can I get a pic of you for my mom? You look just like my grandpa.
i always wear this epi pen its rly special. my friend gave it to me literally as he was dying it seemed very important to him that i have it
your honor my client chooses dare
frankly, people look at you different after you lick them.
RIP little boat. I can’t think of a more dinghy friend, canoe?
my parents didn’t raise an idiot i actually did that all by myself
My husband before the holidays: I don’t need anything
My husband right after the holidays: I’ve always wanted this thing, and also I really really want this, and I’d love to have this other thing
big news! i finally finished paying off the latte i bought in November with financing
financial freedom is alive and well
I miss that time in my life when people asked easy questions, like “What’s your favorite color?” or “Where is your belly button?”.
movie theater manager: im sorry no outside drinks
me: are you kidding me right now
my date: (the kool aid man) it’s fine we’ll just go somewhere else