I don’t want to brag about how cultured I am, but I’ve visited the outside of many historical buildings that charge an entrance fee
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[IKEA meatball recipe]
1/2 lb ground beef
1/2 cup cream
1 small onion finely chopped
4 allen wrenches
20 minute argument
2 tbsp butter
lingonberry or some shit
you’re doing it wrong
salt to taste
just let me do it
Kids who were good at lying grew up to be meteorologists
[Job Interview]
Interviewer: So tell me about your hobbies.
Me: Well I really enjoy minding my own goddamn business.
My 7-year-old and I had many interesting conversations this morning. Why is the sun so hot? How do space rockets work? Why it’s too early to ask this many questions.
Me: How many times do I have to ask you to brush your teeth?
10: Why is it called a building if it’s already built?
Him: These candles are so romantic!
Me: They’re necessary for my human sacrifice ritual.
Lobster 1: I split up from Lisa.
Lobster 2: Good. That fish was cray.
[therapy]
HIM: Should we talk about the elephant in the room?
ME: I don’t like to talk about him
ELEPHANT: Ok wow I’m like right here man
“Choose password”
> 123bob“Password must not contain common names & must be complex with at least 50 characters”
> gameofthrones“OK”
[introducing myself to new boyfriends parents]
“Hi, I usually don’t make it this far”
My long legs mean I can emerge gracefully from an SUV. After that, every step looks like I was just released from a zero gravity experiment.
[at a fancy restuarant]
WIFE: make sure u leave a good tip
ME: ok [writing on bill] “only evolve ur pokemon when uve activated a lucky egg”
At one point during our audit on Friday my hot boss called me “babe.” That means for the rest of you that your window of opportunity is closing…
Dude just told me that he’s washing his hands more because of that “Coca-Cola virus.”
Russel Crowe is my favorite actor named after a misspelled bird but Ethan Hawke is a close second
Give me a break, ouija board. I don’t need to know who was killed in this house. Just tell me how the murderer got away with it.
I passed out in an alley last night and woke up being initiated into a raccoon street gang.
Fact: Canadians are legally allowed to be late for work once a week for ‘reindeer related delays.’
I’m young, but not “know exactly why I came into this room” young.
Me: If I had a nickel for every time a guy interrupted me, I’d-
Some guy: Be rich?
Me: -put them in a sock and hit you with it
Whenever anyone asks me where I grew up I point to a random spot in the room and say “Over there.”
i wonder if jesus thinks about me when he’s on the toilet or if it’s a one way street
Who called them accountants and not sumbodies?
I lifted my hands up in the air and waved them like I just didn’t care…..
Ceiling fan: 6
Me: 0
I hate it when people say “Oh, I’m a vegetarian except for fish”.
Yeah? And I’m a non-smoker except for cigarettes. #WorldVeganDay
Me: I want a book for Mother’s Day
Him: What about all the ones you haven’t read yet?
Me: How dare you
“Quick kid I don’t have much time. In 2020 they will release a super virus in a strategic attempt to wipe ou-“
i took my metal detector to the beach and found a huge slayer concert
I would have suggested they just use a regular volleyball, but I guess the Olympics are special.
Those are good neighbors.