*speed dating bell rings
Me: Why are you breaking up with me?
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*puts leash around pet lobster*
I think there will be games and lots of friends to play with Pinchy
*walks into Lobsterfest*
COVER YOUR EYES
Don’t tell your friend you like her sweater unless you mean it; she might knit you one.
It’s when I saw the children playing with their toys completely wrong that I knew I had to step in
“More people are killed by toasters than sharks”. So if you’re swimming in the ocean and see a toaster, you’re in big trouble.
If you want a relationship to work, you have to compromise. Maybe you don’t like your partner’s taste in music. Maybe they don’t like the wild raccoons that you let sleep on the bed- while they are forced to sleep on the porch. If you care about each other, you make it work.
My family went camping & left me home alone, like I’d be missing out.
Oh please, don’t leave me home with electricity & running water.
Created by Jews, saves humanity.
Who, Jesus? No, dummy. Superman.
Plot Twist
Nigerian Prince won the Powerball jackpot and he’s emailing everyone now.
Arguing with a woman is like being attacked by a bear…
You’re better off playing dead and hoping they get bored and walk away!
What idiot called it grand larceny and not klepto currency
When my husband goes outside to investigate a strange noise, how long do I have to wait before un-pausing the show we were watching?
Don’t fit in their boxes.
You’re not a cat.
[inventing a new flavor Dorito] what’s the last thing you stepped on
Nothing more humiliating than sending a text message with a picture and the picture doesn’t send for ages and now you’ve said something sooo odd out of context
marriage advice: if you ask “is that guy a double agent?” enough times your husband will hand you the remote.
When #EgyptAir announced “he’s not a terrorist, just an idiot” My ex wife phoned to see if it was me.
6: what’s 3+1?
Me: 4
6: noooo it’s 3
Me: 3+1 is 4
6: nooooo it’s 3
Me:
6: the 1 is silent
love can touch us one time and last for a lifetime
*herpes
No more excuses…
…I’m canceling that gym membership.
Person 1: The glass is 1/2 full
Person 2: The glass is 1/2 empty
Excel: The glass is the 1st of February
I used my husband’s shoes to check the mail and was immediately compelled to ask the neighbor kids why they trust the trees since they’re so shady
Adonis folding laundry is still Adonis…but hotter because he’s folding laundry
She just offered me a “1/4 caffeinated coffee.”
I told her I’d have eight, please.
I started an argument in a Yahoo! chat room back in 1999 that is still going on.
I think at this point, a pterodactyl egg has better odds of getting laid than I do.
I stuff the hamster bubble with Cheetos and roll it across the room to you like a bowling ball. You don’t know what the hell just happened… but you’re in love.
I’m a go getter
And right now I’m a go getter nap
That’s not a tweet.
Alcohol: Yes it is.
Before I was married people told me about date night but they never mentioned it just meant folding laundry together
Fitness instructor: Let’s suffeeeer!
Me: Can we just, think this through for a second?