[Enter restaurant]
WIFE: See if you can get us a table
ME: Ok[1 minute later]
ME: [sprinting towards wife, carrying table] START THE CAR
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I once had a coworker friend tell me how her son was arrested in another country, and she had to buy gift cards and send them by “special delivery” person who picked them up, to bail him out. I laughed out loud (couldn’t help myself) so hard, she never spoke to me again.
Cats don’t come with instructions, so how is anyone supposed to know you can’t put them in the washing machine.
Reasons I put my kids to bed on time:
3) They need their rest.
2) Routine is important.
1) “Game of Thrones” is on.
The big twist in GODZILLA VS KONG is they both find out their mother’s name is Mothra
I’m thinking of a color between 1 and 10. Correct guessers get a lollipop.
If you want people to stop talking,
pull out a stop watch, start it and keep staring at it.
her: can you put egg plant on the shopping list
me: *writes* ‘chicken’
Me *laying on my couch, flipping through health magazines*, “bet these workouts are a piece of cake.”
My neighbor is having a party for his daughter. I have been listening to Justin Bieber for 3 hours. Do not interact with me.
Things that keep me up at night #6874
The time my mother decided to be a wing woman (wing aunt?) for my cousin at my uncle’s funeral…
My kid just tried to win an argument with “Because I said so” and I had to break it to him that only parents get to win by saying that.
*i before e except after c.
Unless you’re an 8yo heir planning a heist to seize a surveillance sleigh owned by a sheik at a reindeer farm.
I had to Stop for this
Me: How old is your daughter?
Her: She’ll be 4 next week.
Me: *audible sigh
(Slowly, emphatically): OK. But I asked how old is she… NOW.
My kitchen after I cut an everything bagel in half
In hell the Mariachi band never leaves your table.
On Halloween I’ll be handing out full size bars of really bad advice.
Only while supplies last.
SHUT UP. BEES CAN’T SPELL.
St. Peter: Why should I let you into heaven?
Me: Once a coworker said “supposably” 7 times in a meeting & I just let her
StP: Get in here
getting off the floor: the extreme sport of middle age
MAN!! My boss is always all “Blah blah blah!”, “You’re late!”, and “Get me more pictures of Spiderman!!”
Shortly before lockdown I sold a cordless vacuum cleaner to someone and didn’t, I repeat didn’t, say to him as I handed it over, well it was just gathering dust.
I now have to live with this missed opportunity.
Abundance: what a man with a manbun does when he hears music.
My 11 y/o daughter just casually told me she wants to start a company where people can order bacon, ham and sausage delivered to their house and call it “Hamazon.” This is why the world has billionaires.
Me: People who are superstitious about the number 13 are silly. It’s just a number.
Also me: *cannot have the total amount on a gas station pump end in anything but an even number or the number 5*
I can always end an argument with my wife by undressing; presto, she has a headache and goes to bed.
Interviewer: Can you explain this gap in your CV?
Me: Yes, that’s when I didn’t have a job.
“Treat her like a princess” everybody said.
Then they get mad when I marry her off to a cousin from a neighboring country for political gain.