Therapist: Would you use alcohol, food and sex as a means of feeling happy?
Me: Yes, thanks.
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Pirate union rep: what would you like to see in terms of pirate rights?
Pirate: More parity!
Pirate union rep: [squawking] what would you like to see in terms of pirate rights?
To be frank, I’ll need to commit an identity fraud.
I can claim not to have a best-loved child but one of my kids just said his first favorite thing is cleaning and his second favorite is reading so you know I am lying if I deny it
My new erotic novel “Love in the time of autocorrect” will be out soon. Here is a sample
I come from a long line of successful people.
I decided to stop that tradition.
I spent my time preparing a home cooked dinner and placed it in front of the kids who asked for something different, and laughed. Then I laughed. Then we laughed. Then I spoke in a voice not of this world & everyone ate their damn dinner.
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: sir calm down
ME (having panic attack): sorry I’ve never flown before
PILOT (over intercom): dont worry neither have I lol
Recently I’ve been spending more and more time deep-frying a whole range of fruits and vegetables in batter, such as pineapples, bananas, potatoes, apples and so on.
It’s a lot of fun but I’m worried that I’m frittering my life away.
It’s not that I don’t like the roomba, its just that my expectations were set unreasonably high from watching the Jetsons.
I found eleven dollars in the dryer this morning and spent the rest of my day interviewing investment advisors.
(child accidentally being born in butcher shop)
Shirtless mother: what should we name him?
Father: um..*looks around room* a..bra…ham
The government is worried aliens will invade us but I’m worried the aliens will be sexy. I’m in my 30s. I’m ready to settle down. I’m too old to have a crush on someone living 6 or 7 galaxies away. Long distance is hard enough on the same planet. It’s just not realistic.
I’m a dad so I love talking about meat rubs but I’m also a 14yo so I giggle inside when I do.
A sweater so itchy it feels like it was made from scratch.
[leaving parents’ house]
HER: I thought you said your dad had one leg.
ME: Ya he also has another one.
If you think walking on eggshells is bad, try chewing them.
The bartender said I could have a free drink if I stopped saying “that’s what she said” so I said “challenge accepted” and she replied “let’s see how long you keep this up”…and then I paid for my next drink
Me: Haha hate it when I walk into a room and then forget what I came in for.
Executioner: Seriously these are your last words?
My 3yo is mad at me because her birthday isn’t the same as her older sister’s…
Send help!
Do I have a charge on my credit card bill for something called WIENERLICIOUS? Yes.
Is it a hot dog restaurant? Also yes.
why do only doctors get a special hammer for beating people with. I should be allowed to have one of these too
*pulls up pants*
Me: It feels like I’ve got the world’s worst wedgie!
Proctologist: That’s normal.
M: …
P: Hey… Have you seen my glove?
[audition for a vampire tv show]
ME: as u can see in my headshots, i’m a vampire
CASTING DIRECTOR: theres no one in these photos
ME: exactly
Therapist: Ok so what brings you both here?
Me: Well apparently I make her life a “living hell”
My guardian angel: *sobbing uncontrollably*
I legit had to reread this several times before I realised it wasn’t intended to be a conversation between the Beta Male and the Alpha Male.
Am I afraid of the dark? No. Will I exit a basement after turning off the lights at normal speed? There is no amount of money in the world.
What?!?
When someone asks you “what is it that you like about me?”
“You’re gluten-free” isn’t the answer they want to hear.
You can totally cheat during board games with your kids if after 30 minutes, there is no end in sight. I’m looking at you Chutes and Ladders!
My daughter told me she wants to be a secret agent. Based on that alone, I don’t think she’d be a good secret agent.