Yo son, do you like nachos?
“Hell yeah!”
*son goes in for high 5*
That’s good, ’cause I’m nacho real dad
*rejects high 5*
You’re adopted lol
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My youngest is being tested for the gifted program at his elementary school and my other son thinks his toothbrush is haunted.
Keep it mysterious, ladies…
Him: See you next time. Me: Maybe.
Him: Do you want your receipt?
I tried counting sheep to get to sleep, but one was missing and now I’m gonna be up all night worrying
Went on ChristianMingle .com and kept asking myself, “Who Would Jesus Do”?
Remember kids, you miss 100% of the shots you don’t drink.
[courtroom]
JUDGE: “In the case of the State vs Waldo, Jury- how do you find the defendant?”
LEAD JUROR: “…we uh…haven’t yet”
*Makes joke on Twitter*
*5 Retweets*
*Makes same joke on Facebook*
*5 comments from aunts saying that the joke was inappropriate*
Employment is basically an arranged marriage with your coworkers.
fleetwood mac implies the existence of fleetwood dennis, fleetwood charlie, fleetwood dee, and fleetwood frank
The only thing you can wish for in this life is that the person you say “I do” to appreciates your Star Trek memorabilia as much as you.
Me: NO!
Him: What? I haven’t even said anything
Me: Oh, you looked like you were about to
Im not saying the ‘70s were perfect, but somewhere along the line we lost focus and forgot that all chase scenes demand banjo music
I just did a bunch of crunches and curls. There were Nestlé Crunches and cheese curls, but still. I’m exhausted.
there is no way you can prove that babies grow and are not instead replaced overnight with entirely new but slightly larger babies
law professor: you’re currently failing your ethics class
me: *slides a $20 across the desk* how about now
Steven: I love you
Stephen: I lophe you too
me: let me tell you about the fast and the furious movies
him: no spoilers
me: i assure you there are a ton
Him: I think we should see other people
Me: *eating a cheese ball like an apple* why
Little did he know that his foot powered filing system would have made him billions if he had only thought of a better name
– The Ped-o-file
2024 is starting to feel like it needs to be left outside until we see if it can act right.
[Giving directions in America]
Go two blocks down and take a left on 4th
[Directions in England]
Go down this road, past the big tree, over the bridge throwing a snack to the troll, dodge the wizard and it’s right there on the edge of the magical forest
I didn’t get far in Mario. I thought the guy floating on the cloud was God so I just accepted it when he threw shit at me
I’m worried my new haircut makes me look like a serial killer, which could really cramp my ability to do as much serial killing.
Good thing he found a cart, because that looks really heavy.
Instructions in the Men’s Room for hand washing. Because non-hand washers can’t be bothered unless there’s an opportunity to learn stuff.
Happy birthday to rapper Pitbull who is 34 today, or 238 in dog years for all the other Pitbulls.
Your husband’s super cute, is he single?
When I find myself in times of trouble. Mother Mary comes to me. That’s how I know the meds aren’t working.
“Ben Carson makes stuff up” said Donald Trump, self-proclaimed zillionaire, demigod and unicorn owner.
90% of life is just having the courage to show up.
The other 30% is just checking the math.