My son’s favorite meal is what he calls ‘mommy toast’ which is when I make him toast but I have to pretend it’s for me and he steals it off my plate
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If you leave me a voicemail that just says “call me back, I have a question” I am coming to burn your house down.
I lifted my hands up in the air and waved them like I just didn’t care…..
Ceiling fan: 6
Me: 0
we baptize all our dinosaurs just in case all that catholic shit turns out to be true
4: Mommy hear me count to 10,000
Me:
I borrowed $500 from a co-worker then paid a homeless guy $8 to kill him in a McDonald’s bathroom. I’m up $405 or whatever.
Fe
Fi
Fo
Fum
Rhyme scheme tweets are kinda dumb
I’ve started dating myself exclusively but it’s not working out
My daughter dries dishes like she is a rich lady in the witness protection program trying to integrate into a small midwestern town.
[eulogy] “Before we get started I’d like to ask Jenny, Dawn, Rachel, the deceased’s 2 sons and the entire front row to put down your phones”
[wedding reception]
BEST MAN: *making a toast* please raise your glasses
CLARK KENT: oh no
if I had a girlfriend I’d cook a giant scallion pancake in the shape of a poncho just to keep her warm
If you spend “up to $9000” on my funeral it better be on some kind of mechanism that makes me sit up in the casket when people walk by.
My safe word is antidisestablishmentarianism.
Don’t worry. I never get laid.
Only in Canada during a winter storm will you see kids playing road hockey.
You’re a dog person? *Throws a stick* Well? Aren’t you going to run after it or are you cool with being a normal human that’s also a liar?
I’ve already had 3 people ask if I have enough wine to last me through the hurricane. Beginning to think I may have a reputation.
I love my in laws but sometimes it’s hard with the language barrier, like today they said they were taking the kids all day and I thought they meant they were taking the kids all day
Therapist: ‘Strange. Weird. Odd.’
Me: ‘Am I paying for this?’
It’s that pottery scene from Ghost except it’s me standing behind the Subway sandwich artist helping him make my sandwich.
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i’m at 6%
professor x: oh yeah you can definitely use my charger
Laundry:
Washing – 30 min
Drying – 1 hour
Putting away – 7 to 10 days
Biologist screws up:
Mutant killer virusPhysicist screws up:
Deadly black holeGeologist screws up:
Rock on table is now rock on floor
I get it, drug commercials. I too like to dance while I describe all my side effects
Weird how people think I won’t summon Satan when they talk to me while chewing.
What part of this $7.50 Wal Mart T-shirt makes you think I’d like to see the wine list?
Holmes: “I say, old bean, is that mud on your boots?” Watson: “No, shit, Sherlock”
Me: Sometimes I like to relax under a shady tree and read a book.
Tree: THAT WAS MY SON!
[Funeral]
He died doing what he loved; throwing rocks at bears and saying “it’s fine, they’re way more scared of us than we are of them”
what is your skin care routine? mine is mac n cheese
In a world full of Christmas fruitcakes, be a cheese ball