“Bob is coming over for dinner.”
Bob from work or Bob the giraffe?
*there’s a knock at the upstairs window*
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My mom asked me to pick her up from the airport. I know she raised me, but if I do this, we’re even.
DATING: Goodnight
ENGAGED: Sweet dreams
MARRIED: Is the car locked?
Welcome to parenthood. You now see every movie six years after it came out. Except for Disney movies. You see all of those immediately and on repeat.
[samurai kindergarten]
Sensei: CHILDREN! We do not hit each other. What do we do?
Kids: *in unison* We use our swords.
Of all the horrible ways to die I think healthy eating sounds the most painful.
A mom just told her kids the park is closing so they would leave without throwing fits.
Another mom overheard and said, “Uh-oh, the park is closing! Gotta go!
So I said, “Everyone’s leaving! Let’s follow them out!”
We all winked at each other and got in our cars.
Teamwork.
Calm down, I’m only asking for your last name because I want to check how well it pairs with the baby names I have picked out for our kids.
What does $50 get you at the Chanel store?
13 seconds of eye contact.
What a relief. Bring on the nukes
[first date]
her: do u like cats or dogs better
me: [looking at menu] what page are u on
When your mom beats you for coming home late then you see your brother coming😂😂😂😂😂😂
The best trick to ordering pizza is asking them not to cut it. By law, they can only charge you for one slice.
“So sorry” – Actually sorry
“Sorry about that” – Not really sorry
“Sorry you feel that way” – Not sorry at all
“Sorry, but…” – Apologise to me
I’ve realized the source of all my stress and anxiety. It’s anything that comes after someone saying “Mom!”
When Prince Adam called upon the power of Greyskull and turned into He-Man, it didn’t make him bigger or stronger it just made him more naked
[first date]
*emptying jar of coins into coinstar* “almost done”
so where are we going after this?
“what”
*rolls up sleeves*
*gets high on sleeves*
ME: I was at the laundromat washing my unmentionables, and-
HER: You mean your underwear?
*The fabric of the universe starts to tear*
ME: You fool! What have you done?!
[Ouija board]
“Hey spirits, talk to us”
W H A T S U R F R I E N D S N A M E H E S C U T E
“fml”
Sweet potatoes are just regular potatoes that remember birthdays and anniversaries.
HUSBAND 911: what your emergency?
ME: my wife hears everything
HUSBAND 911: do I?
ME: what?
HUSBAND 911: what?
Went to the car wash and asked for one of those Brazilian wax jobs everyone’s been talking about.
Traffic was at a standstill until some guy heroically got out of his car, stared into the distance and threw his hands up in disgust. It started moving after that.
You know people ask “how are you still single” to singles? It’d be funny if we started saying “how are you still married” to married people
what if sneks had fluffy ears
what then??
THE CANADA GEESE ARE LEAVING.
AMERICA THEY YOUR PROBLEM NOW.
Beyoncé: I cannot wait to slum it with some earth mortals at – wait what is it called again?
Jay-Z: Coachella.
Beyoncé: Coachella.
The good news is I’m pretty much who I say I am.
The bad news is I’m pretty much who I say I am.
COP: Can you describe your attacker?
ME: No
COP: Didn’t you see him?
ME: Yes, but I have a poor grasp of adjectives