I hope the guy who stole my debit card enjoys his $12 shopping spree.
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girls will post pictures with “my day one💘💓” and it’s just some girl named Sarah that they met at the bar last week
I had a client Zoom in for Court, smoking a cigarette and beer in hand, slurring words.
Words I never thought I’d hear a judge say: “You’re in court right now. Quit smoking. Put that beer down.”
My beach vacation Google searches
I carry around a fog machine so I can make a dramatic entrance every time I enter a room.
I painted 1 room & then the hallway and room next to it looked kinda shabby and I’m guessing this is how plastic surgery gets out of hand.
This is a baby horse: it can walk 4 hours after it’s born
This is a baby human: don’t touch its head wrong or you’ll bonk its brain
One of the most effective forms of birth control is assembling furniture together as a couple.
[Glass slipper fits on ugly girl with same shoe size as Cinderella]
Prince Charming: Um… well. Tell ya what, I’m gonna keep on looking.
Stamps be like “lick me and put me in the corner”
Watching married people in love on twitter is so refreshing…
It would be even more refreshing, if they were married to eachother
me: let’s circle back around and touch base
baseball coach: yeah that’s the gist of it
Reporter: Is there anything you can do to make people hate you more?
Rodger Goodell: Coldplay is doing the Super Bowl halftime show.
at my girlfriend’s house for thanksgiving and i asked if we could watch the game and she said “of course!” then put on a gossip girl thanksgiving episode
If you think the world revolves around you, you’re either a narcissist or a terrible astronomer.
Kinda rude my neighbours live next to me.
No one makes more observations than a child sharing a stall with his mother inside a public restroom.
If we’re on a road trip and you don’t point out a cow when we see one you will have to get out and walk. Those are the rules. No exceptions.
[first day as a bartender]
customer: i’d like this drink to go to the lady in the corner
me: [holding it] HEY
her: [looks up]
me: CATCH
Sorry I was asleep when you texted me and just woke up when we ran into each other just now
the human has made quite the sandwich for lunch. but when i placed my chin on their knee. and looked up at them softly. they only offered me. a piece of lettuce. nobody talk to me. for the rest of the day
In a few hours, after I become a billionaire, I’m changing all the contact names in my phone to peasant.
[First day at Amazon]
me: *throws a single toothbrush into a tv-sized box*
manager: wow this guy’s a natural lol
“Steak and Shake” great burgers and also a good way to kill baby vampires.
Me *looking at 50 caskets in church* this is weird
Waldo’s wife *dabbing eyes* it’s what he would’ve wanted
Me: But aren’t you scared of the Elf on the Shelf? We don’t have to have him come around…
Kid: No! He’s just a stuffy that comes to life and tickles you and watches you all the time, it’s fine.
Cool, but now I’m scared…
Don’t get it. Heard the phrase “keep your friends clothes & keep your enemies clothes, sir”. Now I have a bunch of naked people angry at me.
not me looking down to google “why is my dog staring at me” only to look back up and see my dog barfing on the carpet 😑😑😑😑😑
[first date]
date: i’m an optimist
me: wow i’ve never met a transformer before
The volume of your sneeze determines the volume of my bless you.