Want to get noticed? Go jogging without moving your arms.
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Tweet faster, America, things still aren’t fixed!
I would’ve been terrible in 50 Shades because the second a guy said “I don’t do romance” I would laugh and be like NOBODY SAYS THAT BYE
Children change a lot of things like now if I get lost in a corn maze I just lay down and take a nap or run toward the guy with a chainsaw.
“Holy infant so tender and mild.”
-cannibals
I have such a bad cold that when I breathe through my nose, it sounds like Marge Simpson sighing/expressing disapproval.
Thoughts and prayers to all the parents of kids who are right now deciding to change their minds and ask Santa for something different even though Santa already got the first thing and Santa is out of money and patience
Fun prank: replace all your phones with rotary phones and your wifi with a dial-up, then watch your kids move out.
One time a girl told me to take off her shirt and I was like wow ok it doesn’t really fit me anyway.
I bet dogs at parties get tired of being singled out by socially awkward humans.
THE INVENTOR OF CRYING: what if I told you that there was something you could do at both weddings and funerals
Coworker: How did your review go?
Me: I don’t know…I thought playing “Epic” by Faith No More was a strong symbolic start…
Coworker:
Me: Apparently putting a live, flailing fish on her desk was lost on her too.
A t-shirt gun outfitted for Costco hotdogs.
[before electricity was invented]
ME: [presses hand dryer]
GUY IN THE WALL: [deep inhale]
I can’t stop watching this video 😂😂😂
Smoking is tricky. it gets me out of bed, it gets me outside. It gets me talking to the boys. It lets me look a little cooler than i should. It satisfies my oral fixation and my desire to fidget. It gives me an excuse to get a little snack at the store. But it’s french,
My birthday suit doesn’t fit me anymore.
A couple of birds are outside fighting. Wait. They’ve quieted down. There’s a third bird. I think he may be their therapist.
I’d have saved a fortune in Botox if my mama had been right and my face had frozen like that
I won’t open the garage door because I’m afraid the cast and crew from “Hoarders” will be outside waiting.
What’s sadder, the end of “Titanic” or my son’s face when I ask him to explain Bitcoin again?
[Before 9 was invented]
7: damn I’m hungry
I prefer sex with the lights off. It’s classier and doesn’t drain the car battery.
Went on blind date, woke up in bathtub with kidney gone. 6 out of 10, would date again.
Mehh
~Goat, sighing..
Why is called an “extraction” and not an “amputeeth”?
It’s none of your business where I live unless you wanna send me some money
Him: [handing me $20] here’s your Christmas present
Me: thanks [handing it back] here’s yours
A lady from the Texas tax office just told me that there was no way I could screw up the form I need to fill out. I feel like that’s just a failure of imagination on her part.
You know shit’s getting real when someone bets their glass eye at the neighborhood poker game.