We told Grandpa that we were worried about him being quarantined alone with his bad hip and failing eyesight, but he told us not to worry because he’d gotten himself a dog.
You Might Also Like
The living can’t communicate with the dead, that’s just séance fiction
One time I fell off a 20ft ladder, then climbed right back up and jumped off a second time to show that ladder who’s in charge.
Husband: “Lost my keys again.”
Wife: “It’s in your Jeans.”
Husband: “Come on, Why do you have to Drag my family into this!”
Satan: *to a huge audience* Welcome to the end of days
One guy who hates calendars: Finally
Currently trying to estimate how many steps I lost searching the house to find my Fitbit.
[husband opening refrigerator]
Me: “What are you looking for?”
Him: “I don’t know, but I’m sure we don’t have it”
(Invention of the necktie)
I can’t figure out how to tie this silk noose. Looks like I’ll have to go to the dinner party after all.
[Cooking pasta]
Make enough to feed everyone in The Sopranos and proceed like Tony is going to kill you if you don’t cook enough pasta.
“I got up at 4 am so I could bite my mom and eat a frog and pee on the floor right after I peed outside”
Peter Jackson just found a postcard JRR Tolkien wrote his nephew in 1938. He’s turning it into 22 nine-hour films.
In an alternate universe, people in horror movies make fun of our choices.
Remembering the time a guy asked me out but he was really cute so I panicked and replied “I can’t, I forgot to buy cheese”
I want my boyfriend to get a tattoo on his neck so I won’t have to worry about him getting a job and not having time to hang out with me.
I always say “goodbye” to the Wal-Mart greeter, just to close that loop.
And I was never asked to make anything for the school bake sale again
Any job can be a dream job if you have nightmares about work
Espresso Patronum!
– Me warding off morning people
make your kid’s birthday party a special one they’ll be talking about in therapy for years
[in heaven after crucifixion]
jesus: “they were horrible dad, im pleased im not going back there”
god: [rubbing his neck] “see the thing is”
Buy a man a tee and he’ll golf for a day. Buy a manatee and you’ll have trouble housing your new pet
*me looking at a police lineup*
Number 3 is cute. OMG Is he single? Give him my number! What? Oh. Right. Five. Number 5 killed my grandpa.
Hey girl are you a capri sun? Because i want to stab you.
God making women: make them sexy and sophisticated but also confusing to operate.
Angel: soooo like an espresso machine?
if potheads are lazy then why did I just go to my car to get a lighter?
accidentally made eye contact with my neighbour when i was perched on my car like a pterodactyl
Kids movies really made me believe that the greatest threats on earth were dogcatchers and quicksand
Clark Kent “I have a confession”
Lois Lane “what is it?”
*Clark removes his glasses*
Lois “Is it a bird?”
Clark “WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU”
My garden has produced some sick beets, some smashing pumpkins and some red hot chili peppers.
We go on tour in the fall.
Confusing my grandchildren by filling the Easter eggs with chicken nuggets
Since wine is made from grapes its technically accurate to say I did a fruit juice cleanse for New Years Eve.