*looks over back shoulder*
*puts car in reverse*Wife: OH MY GOD
*slams brakes*
Me: WHAT?
Wife: Becky just posted the cutest picture
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Sometimes you just need to dance naked in the kitchen. The manager at this Burger King seems to feel differently though.
exactly when does the govt start using the vaccine microchip to control my brain because frankly I’m tired of making my own decisions and could use a break
You guys beat up on Catholicism, but any time you need an exorcism, there you are dialing up the rectory.
You can tell how much it’s going to cost you by the way your teenager sounds:
Mum! = £2 for an ice cream
Muuuum 🙂 = £50 for pointless trainers
Hello mummy, you look pretty today = remortgage the house
My teen: How do you not know how to play video games?
Also my teen: So all you have to do is press left, right, up, circle, triangle, square all while holding onto the upper left button.
John Travolta’s cat gets very itchy for a few hours every weekend, because it’s got Saturday Night Flea Fur.
WebMD would be more accurate if every search result diagnosed you as a hypochondriac.
dear teenage me, it’s the future. no flying cars but you will write jokes on a telephone. no don’t kill yourself it’s actually pretty fun
They say that over time pets will start to resemble their owners and I didn’t believe it until I found my cat fast asleep in front of his food bowl
A 6-year-old told me he likes my costume. I’m not wearing a costume 🙁
Reverse psychology – only it’s me swapping chairs when my therapist went to the bathroom.
I’m thrilled that you found Jesus. Where was he hiding?
If I see a dog in a hot car, I’m always troubled.
Why don’t I have a hot car like that?
How much does that dog make per year?
interview tip #86
be honest when asked about yourself
[later]
interviewer: so tell me about yourself
me: not without my lawyer present
A reality show, where you spy on your suspected cheating significant other, called Baewatch.
So tired of every man on dating apps saying they’re looking for someone spontaneous. Sir I have anxiety and a career I need a plan.
Give a man fish and you’ll feed him for a day…… Give a fish a man and you’re probably in the Mafia
👃🏻: what are you wearing?
😋: Tide….WITH odor eliminator.
me at 18: i have hundreds of friends i could ask to hang out with me tonight
me now: maybe the weird dude who spit on me on the train this morning would like to be the best man at my wedding
[Trapped on a Island]
*Message in a bottle*
“Please send help!”*Gets message back, months later*
“Linda invited you to play Candy Crush”
I hate when my camera rings, in the middle of a selfie.
Any time someone says “have you seen that YouTube video?”
I always say yes……… Because otherwise they make you watch it on their phone
living in a small apartment and not being able to find something is so embarrassing. like there’s three square feet in here what do you mean you cant find it
I just want someone to look at me the way my dog looks at a dishwasher full of dirty dishes.
Ive just finished writing my first ever childrens novel. It’s called ‘We’re poor because of you’.
how did this penguin get in my apartment??!?!
Only in America would they name a state after a bucket of fried chicken.
*Hands you a handbasket*
You know what to do…….
Blood is thicker than water, but rhinoceros poop is thicker than blood, so..
kids today are like “so what did y’all do before the internet? did you just not know anything?” and the answer is yes. you would ask your aunt Marge a question, she’d give you the wrong answer and you’d carry that misinformation for twenty years.