I like to keep my husband on his toes by texting, “How could you do this to me?” at least 2 times per day.
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Hey dude, there’s 10 empty urinals in here no need to stand right next to…
And now he’s talking to me!Someone call 911!
Overheard:
5yo : you think I’m ugly
6yo: a little bit yes, but mostly no
Ever get home, look at your hair in a mirror, and wonder how many small children you terrified while you were out
EXECUTIVE: this ones not about murder is it
STEPHEN KING: its about children
E: ok
SK: in corn
E: thats nice
SK:who murder
E: dammit Stephen
Oh really, Carol? It takes fewer muscles to smile than to frown? How many muscles does it take you to mind your own business
Started sex work and one of my clients came to my house, she complained that it’s too hot. She asked “don’t you have AC?”
I said no… OnlyFans
A large group of other people’s children is called a “Nope”.
“Look we LOVE the script for ‘Murder Bees’, just change the name to ‘My Girl’ and you’ve got yourself a movie!!”
My boss to a new applicant: You never get a second chance to make a first impression right?
Me about to inflict some post traumatic amnesia on him with a computer monitor: ʷᵉ’ˡˡ ˢᵉᵉ ᵃᵇᵒᵘᵗ ᵗʰᵃᵗ.
My husband washed the dog with my expensive shampoo again. I sure hope that crate is big enough for both of them to sleep in tonight.
A reality show where chefs deconstruct recipes and IKEA customers put them back together
Me: Why aren’t you in bed?
5: I need smooth jazz.
Me: Uh what?
5: I NEED YOU TO PLAY ME SMOOTH JAZZ!
Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.
I spend 90% of my life trying to do the right thing and the other half wondering why I don’t understand Math.
So, I’m officially off the market. Got a DM from a faceless Avi proposing marriage in broken English. We’re planning a June wedding!
I’m one of those lucky people that can eat whatever they want and not put on any clothes.
If biscuits were slimming and contained every nutrient the human body needs, I’d be in terrific shape.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who asked for oatmeal and you have the audacity to give them oatmeal.
I deserve an Oscar for my performance of “oh I’ve never tried this before” while getting samples at Costco
Hey everyone, I’m ABSOLUTELY obsessed with this new web series I’ve been marathoning where I non-stop refresh a worldwide coronavirus counter
don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry
– me taking a joke
Star Wars is just like regular wars except you fall in love with your sister and your dad chops your arm off.
pantsless bc the day after international women’s day means women are half off
reading rob zombie’s name is a real wild ride. at first you’re like “rob? ok, i know what we’re dealing with here”. then things get weird
PATIENT: Doc, I haven’t been able to bone my wife lately and I really think-
DR DOG: Wait. Tell me more about the bone part
The most confusing thing about living with a girl is how much hair they shed. How does her hair look so good? How isnt she bald?
My real introduction to classical music came from watching Tom and Jerry cartoons as a kid. Also how I got into sadism.
I’m southern, healthy eating to me is having my potatoes mashed and not fried
Done with dating sites. I’m now focusing on pizza delivery guys because at least I know they have a job, a car, and pizza.
I wonder if under reasons for divorce Elvis wrote, “A little less conversation, a little more action please”