[Anteater eats some termites]
[looks up to heaven] “YOU DON’T CONTROL ME, GOD! YOU HEAR ME? I DON’T CARE WHAT YOU NAMED ME!”
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Turbulence is just God’s little way of telling us we’re NOT BIRDS.
[inventing wedding dresses]
a massive skirt!
more skirt!
MORE
now, put a skirt over her face!
god ya that’s the stuff
[A pair of crocs sitting on a riverbank]
Why do you think people hate us so much?
“Idk. I blame the idiots who wear us with socks.”
Don’t shoot until you see the whites of their eyes!!
The other side: *has jaundice wins the war*
I wanna jam you like a set of salad tongs in a kitchen drawer.
Some days you’re just really stupid. 365 to be exact.
Asked my son if he wanted to watch Netflix and he said he’d already seen it
date: i like guys who are mysterious
me: [afraid she may have learned my horrible secret] haha isn’t it great that neither of us has ever made love to a snowman
When boxes arrive from Amazon I just tell my husband they’re Christmas presents for him and he doesn’t ask questions.
I should probably buy him something soon.
2/14/16 — The Day I Got Owned Online By 1-800-Flowers
Looks the same on the way in, as it does on the way out
*rides off into the sunset*
*rides back to get SPF 50 sunblock*
*rides off into the sunset*
“When does he start playing the mandolin?”
– me, watching The Mandalorian
“Hey can you take our picture?”
ME: yea sure
*takes picture*
ME: wait sorry, The Flash was turned on
THE FLASH: *blushing in the background*
*Stands guard with scissors and tinsel*
Wait, you said “wrap battle”, right?
When I find out you work in the medical profession, no matter the capacity, I will ask you to look at this rash. Just to annoy you
listen kid, i have social media profiles older than you
My 8yo just asked my permission to say “shit” to express his anger, so don’t tell me I’m not raising a polite kid.
Me as a therapist: omg same
I wish I could fall as gracefully as a winter coat slinking off the back of a chair.
If ghosts exist, I bet there are a lot of haunted women’s locker rooms.
Why do parents train babies to peek with the game peekaboo but then spend the remaining childhood telling them not to peek?
Ghost Hunter is a cool job because as a kid I always thought how fun it would be to play make believe and get paid for it
“Would you rather marry your ex or spend a year in jail?”
Me: Only 12 months to go
Whenever someone tells me how well behaved my kids are I say it’s cause they’re not at home.
Hey, girl at the gym that keeps moving to the opposite corner every time I get on the machine next to you, yes, I feel the chemistry too.
if you write “keep it together, man” without the comma you end up creating a new superhero named “keep it together man” and frankly if there’s one guy we need right now it’s him.
*Strong man rips a phone book in half
Me: That’s amazing, where did you get a phone book?
i wish people went thru puberty the way that digimon digivolve. i do not want armpit hair. i want rocket launchers for hands