[guy about to invent magic 8-ball]
*kicking a ball* i could really use some vague advice
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When my wife forgets to fill up the fishtank I lower the ceiling a few inches every day until she remembers.
3:
[in bedroom]
*refuses to pick up toys*
[at playground]
*picks up three cigarette butts, a band-aid, and half a dead bird*
Kid: would you rather be the Evil Queen or the Wicked Witch?
M: I’d rather be the Mom
K: ooh, right. Much scarier.
HER: What’s your cell plan?
ME: Bodily decay over decades until inevitable mortal collapse. You?
HER: …
ME: …
HER: … V-Verizon.
STOP HONKING! IF I DRIVE ANY FASTER THE TINY LIZARD THAT HITCHED A RIDE ON MY HOOD IS GONNA FALL TO HIS DEATH. HAVE SOME COMPASSION, PEOPLE.
Sure sex is great but have you ever turned off the news?
*Watching a commercial where someone is rock climbing*
*Do not attempt flashes across the screen*
Me: *hasn’t left the couch in 12 hours*
“Okay.”
Co-worker: some food is way high in vitamins, k?
Me: that’s bananas.
A death metal song about an Excel spreadsheet not doing what I want.
[summoning my first demon]
ME: Sorry everybody. Sorry. That’s my fault. We’ll try it again next week.
MATT DAMON: Can someone call me an Uber?
I started to clean house this evening, but my cat talked me into taking a nap.
My dad only says I love you on special occasions like birthdays, holidays, and competency hearings.
“Oh you just put lotion on?
You’re not going anywhere.”
– Doorknob
New hobby: Swap text for sponsored ads
When I was in court I heard a Magistrate singing some Ed Sheeran, so I hired him for my Wedding.
But at the ceremony he did his own material and was terrible.
Which goes to show, you should never Book a Judge by his Covers.
If your husband didn’t just take down an old shower curtain, wear it as a cape, then run around yelling “I am Captain Mildew!” then you are not me.
Time flies when you duct tape an alarm clock to a pelican.
I’M COLD my 7yo screams as she sits next to the AC vent in her underwear
I saved a ton of money on tattoos by just pretending my varicose veins are ancient Chinese proverbs
i pretend i don’t care about stuff but that’s only because i have no idea what’s going on around me at any given time.
[Valentine’s Day]
Husband: These Reese’s hearts look weird. And why aren’t they wrapped?
Me: *flashback to carefully reshaping half-price Reese’s pumpkins into hearts* I guess they come like that now?
[shapes strands of hair from the drain to form a love letter on the shower wall]
stop slamming the toilet seat in the middle of the night or I will murder you
Direct deposit: +1400
Me at Cheesecake Factory: yeah I’ll take one of each slice
I can’t wait til my kids become adults so I can go over their houses & throw clean laundry all over the floor.
My band in the 80s was the Sex Poodles. We needed Snoop Dogg.
If you mean sleeping, then yes, I’m pretty freakin’ amazing in bed.
I think everyone should get to vote which family member should get shot with a bow and arrow
[Driving]
Wife: You missed a right.
Me: Thanks babe – you MRS right.
I remember a short time in my life when I didn’t like hot dogs. 5 is a challenging age.
[leaving for vacation]
Me: Do we have everything?
Kids: Yes!
Me: Let’s go!
[5 min up road]
Son: Dad, where’s mommy?
Me: *makes u-turn*