Insomnia: she’s not going to sleep again and it’s all your fault
Coffee: she likes me strong and takes me late at night
Me: can you two stop talking about me like I’m not right here
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How your email finds me
Teacher: I’m worried because your daughter keeps spelling her name T-R-M-N-L.
Me: but I just taught her how to spell PAIGE.
Teacher: tell me what you told her.
Me: P as in Pterodactyl, A as in Artist, I as in Imaginary, G as in Gnat, and E as in Elephant.
Saw Interstellar over the weekend & was totally glued to my seat. The movie was OK but the getting-glued-to-my-seat thing ruined it for me.
[first day]
Head Chef: Careful, the stove will burn you
Me: I’ll be fine
Stove: Your girlfriend left you for a better looking, funnier version of you
my cat when i respond to his mournful meows for treats every half hour with “oh we’re singing now?” and start melodically meowing back at him
For cardio, I attempt to swallow vitamins, while holding a cup of piping hot coffee.
It’s easy to tell hedgehogs from porcupines. Porcupines aren’t blue.
One of the kids said, “Camping looks fun,” so tonight we’re watching The Revenant.
When gathering all the laundry I tend to find other items that have been missing for a while.
I just don’t remember how this frying pan got in between the couch cushions.
I like my salad like my poker opponents – obscured from view by a massive f****** pile of my chips.
Sorry but they’re not fajitas unless they come from the fajita region of the restaurant
Candy cigarettes really use to be a thing and we really bought them and walked around like we were smokers at the tender age of 6.
Interviewer: Name some of your weaknesses.
Me: I procrastinate. Haphazard, cantankerous…
Interviewer: Strengths?
Me: Vocabulary?
No one is as glued to any piece of reading material as a parent counting down the songs in the program of a really boring school concert.
Me: I heard the Herpes Virus is linked to Alzheimers.
Pharmacist: True. Name please.
Me: I have no idea.
if you are getting the names Jon and John confused call them by their full names, Jonaldo and Johnaldo
[phone]
Me: Oh wow I love your voice
Her: Thanks!
Me: And your accent is so cool, are you from the south?
Her: Good guess!
Me: Oh yeah I love it down there, the weather, the food!
Her: Me too! It’s the best!
Me: It really is
Her: Anyway what’s your emergency
Me: I’ve been stabbed
Me: bathe me in the dust of those I have devoured
Friend: are you talking to your Cheetos
[Doctor’s office]
Doctor: “OK. I have something to tell you. I think you should probably sit down”
Me: “No thanks. I’ll stand. What‘s up?”
*I get mauled by a tiger that was hiding under his desk
Doctor: “I wanted to tell you my pet tiger gets nervous when people are standing”
Your an idiot.
-You’re.
What?
-You’re not your.
But I said it. I didn’t type it. We’re talking.
-Yeah but I heard the typo.
You’re an idiot.
Under the age of one, babies primarily drink milk, but may supplement their diet with all the crumbs they find on the floor even though you swear you just vacuumed.
For as long as that song was, you’d think the Ghost Busters would have mentioned their phone number at least once…
Didn’t find out until I got to work that these exposed-shoulder tops are intended for women.
An octopus should have eightacles, not ten.
Some say their relationship is built on trust. Others, friendship. Mine is built on an ancient Indian burial ground.
if you can’t handle me at my worst, you’re probably that gutless Outback Steakhouse shift manager who called the cops on me last night
it’ll be another 20 years before vampires can go to the bank again
3 days ago my best friend texted me that his dog is sick and he paid a ton of money for surgery and the dog might survive.
I replied “I hope it does”, but autocorrect changed it to “I hope it dies” and I just noticed now.
*holds Google Translate up to my kid’s mouth as he mumbles through a story with food in his mouth*
THERAPIST: what’s wrong?
WIFE: he always narrates real life-
ME: she complained
WIFE: see!
ME: she exclaimed
WIFE:
ME: she was speechless