Has there ever been a more American story?
You Might Also Like
Walking around cemeteries looking at headstones is a great way to come up with baby names.
daddy how does Santa go to everyone’s house by morning?
“I dunno, time travel”
time travel isn’t real
“neither is Santa, go to bed”
A vegan said to me that people who sell meat are disgusting.
I answered that people who sell fruits & veg’s are grocer.
Damn that is one huge cow. this is why I buy internet on flights. I almost saw that 6 hours after you guys did
[after discovering wine] WHAT ELSE *hiccup* WHAT ELSE CAN WE DRINK AFTER IT GOES BAD
BOSS: Ok so far so good. But before we finish the interview I’m gonna have you take a typing test.
LOBSTER: *looking down at claws* Shit
Mickey Mouse’s pants out of context look like something that would try to kill Mario.
Dinner then: lean protein, fresh vegetables, good carbs
Dinner now: on the rocks
Somehow I missed my turn into my driveway and ended up at the pub few blocks over
STOP ACTING LIKE THIS GROCERY STORE GIFT CARD ISN’T ROMANTIC. WHO DOESN’T LIKE FOOD?
If boarding school taught me anything it’s how to get on planes and trains.
Sometimes when my family is especially ungrateful, I don’t wash the vegetables when I make their salads.
Doc : Do you know what blood type you are?
Me : Red?
If i ever experience an earthquake my first thought will probably be it’s godzilla.
A Starbucks was robbed at gunpoint this afternoon. The culprits are still at venti.
Me: get murdered or die trying amirite
Doctor: then you have three months to get murdered
Thank God you’ve updated your status to “Finished lunch” after you first posted “Going to lunch” I really couldn’t tolerate more suspense.
We all make silly mistakes like when I asked the lady with massive lip injections if she was allergic to bees.
not to brag but once I was flirting with this girl and a day later she got back with her ex
[First day as a hacker]
Boss: what’s taking so long?
Me: adobe needs updating
This guy was looking over my shoulder while I was texting so I texted “I hope this guy next to me doesn’t catch what I have.”
I tried to help by doing my daughter’s hair once and a kind old lady offered her a hot meal and a warm place to sleep.
My kid has stolen my heart. And my sleep. Aaaaand my snack.
Me: I want to buy this chicken
Farmer: Ok. Gonna take him home and eat him?
*imagines self fighting crime with new chicken buddy*
Me: Yes
JERY: Maybe you can just go back
TERESA MAY: go back ?
JERY: Ya. pretend brexit never happened.
MAY: you mean just walk into the EU meeting on Monday morning like it never hapened?
JERY: Sure. People dont take england seriously
My doctor said the claw marks on my face are not from a poltergeist but I should stop trying to put roller skates on cats.
Asked my 1st grade students the riddle: What has four fingers and a thumb but is not alive? (A glove.) First response: “My Aunt Lydia.”
Bruce Lee: be like water.
Me: wasted every day?
If you really want people to notice you, be a typo.
You say “leftover bacon” like I’m supposed to know what that is…