Cats (2019)
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[whale watching]
whale: can someone close the drapes please? He’s back again
My wife just got the bar tab and yelled “Oh my god.” That can’t be good.
Oh no
People say “like a boss” as if they forgot how much bosses suuuuck
“See you later alligator”
“In a whilst crocodile”
-why we fought the British for independence
EMPLOYMENT AGENT: How did you get fired from your last job?
ME: I’m not going to lie, pretty easily.
Cats REALLY hate dryers.
However, Patches has Never looked this fluffy
What do you call a denim expert?
A jeanius.
“Forgive me, I’m a terrible flort”
“Don’t you mean flirt?”
*starts florting*
“OMFG. WTF is that?!”
An apostrophe is just a comma
trying to move up in the world.
If I sold everything I own I could probably take that $137 and get a fresh start somewhere.
Parenting Tip:
Place fake present under tree with unruly child’s name on it and when he misbehaves toss it into the burning fireplace
interviewer: what can u bring to the firm
me: [places a tiny cactus on desk & smiles]
interviewer: I meant like clients
me: [removes cactus]
ME: forgive me father for I have sinned
PRIEST: nothing that can’t be forgiven my son
ME: I microwave my pop tarts
PRIEST: u sick son of a
the boy who cried wolf would be a way cooler story if actual wolves came out of his eyes
My 5yo doesn’t always play his harmonica, but when he does, it’s at 6:33 in the morning.
Just saw an ambulance pull into a cemetery, like dude, you’re too late.
If you’re a couple who sit on the same side of the booth, I’mma slide into the empty seat and eat your fries. Stop creeping everyone out.
My new monthly budget
Gas $0
Clothes $0
Entertainment $0
Food $1500
Alcohol $1000
Por…. uhhh entertainment $500
Just once I’d like the guy hired to kill me to complete the job and not fall in love with me.
My newsfeed fills with “recommended tweets” based on my likes and retweets.
Me: YOU DON’T KNOW ME
Also me: oh look a puppy! *retweet
DAMMIT!
A Tale of Two Cities 2: A Tale of Three Cities
[Back To the Future, 2018]
Marty’s dad: She texted me back! What do I say??
Marty: I got it. Lemme see…*sends SpongeBob gif and immediatly starts disappearing*
I’m not a dietitian, but if you eat pizza right at midnight your body doesn’t know if the calories go towards yesterday or today so they don’t count
Every family has a crazy aunt.
Me: Our family doesn’t have one of those.
My sisters’ families:
Me:
My brothers’ families:
Me: Oh.
Well, well, well, if it isn’t the consequences of my own food choices.
One of the best parts of marriage is having someone to hate the couples on House Hunters with.
NEIGHBOR: That’s the best haunted house I’ve seen. Terrifying Halloween decorations!
ME: [scattering body parts in the yard] Halloween?
Tandem parachute instructor: Is this your first time?
Me: No I’ve been terrified loads of times
Tandem parachute instructor: I meant doing this
Me: Oh yes, first ever hug and I like it
You know those people who get all excited and lovey with puppies at pet stores?
Same. But I’m in a liquor store.