Dead sexy!!
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*breaking up with BF
I’ll never forget you David.
‘My name is Jason’
Goodbye John.
I have the dance moves of a dog with mittens on its paws.
It’s tough getting user casket reviews
therapist: describe this picture
me: that鈥檚 my father yelling at me
therapist: and this one
me: you having sex with my wife
therapist: and this one
me: aren鈥檛 these normally ink blots
馃槀馃槀馃槀馃槀馃槅馃槅馃槅馃馃馃槀馃槀
This morning I brushed my hair with an American Girl doll brush because, apparently, she is the only one in my house who puts things back where they belong.
Nursery owner helping me load plants, “Your car looks just like mine.”
“You have a Crosstrek too” I ask.
“No, lots of wine bags.”
Just threw a ghost boomerang. That鈥檚 gonna come back to haunt me.
[Pulls away from kissing]
So you do want me to interview for the cat juggling job?
The name’s Bond, James Bond. And you are?
*enters username*
“USERNAME NOT RECOGNISED”
*creates new account*
*enters username*
“USERNAME ALREADY IN USE”
*sets fire to self*
me: oh, I have a great ide…
wife: no
Saw a guy riding a unicycle today. Actually, he was riding a bicycle but I didn’t see him & I hit him with my car. Then boom! Unicycle.
GF: Look, I’m just gonna say it…I can’t see you anymore
ME [wearing my new camouflage suit] lol, that is just awesome
I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.
I child proofed my entire house…
and they still got in
Teenage niece (talking to me while she鈥檚 driving): Could you respond to my friend鈥檚 text for me?
And don鈥檛 make it weird by putting stuff like punctuation.
*5 puts on shoes*
Me: they’re on the wrong feet.
5: but I can’t…
Me: can’t..?
5 I don’t have any more feet to put them on.
Me: touche
I love my in laws but sometimes it鈥檚 hard with the language barrier, like today they said they were taking the kids all day and I thought they meant they were taking the kids all day
Biden: I painted “Michelle Obama 2020” on your bedroom ceiling
Obama: 馃槼
Biden: Glow in the dark paint
Oohh, you play bass, as in the guitar. I thought you played bass, like the fish. I would’ve paid to see that.
How good looking am I? Put it this way, if a hot girl adds on social media
I know it鈥檚 a scam
Yesterday I overheard my little niece saying to herself, “I can’t have that job when I grow up because I want to be a mummy and have children.” I set my phone aside for a serious talk about how she could do any job she wanted AND have children. Friends, the job was nun.
Got my first date of the year. i mean it’s a court date but I’m dressing up.
It鈥檚 so annoying when they tell you to reset the modem like, do you think I would call you if I knew which one was the modem?
My dad was bragging about his hearing aid. State of the art, he said. Cost me a fortune. Awesome, I said, what type is it? Two thirty, he replied.
It’s great that interstates have rest areas. But things like Wednesdays really need rest areas too.
‘Hit me with your pet shark’ #RuinAn80sSong
wife: “no”
me: “its a good name”
wife: “keith we’re not calling the dog sarah jessica barker, keep thinking”
me:
wife:
me: “woofie goldberg”
Neighbour mowed his lawn at 6am… Logic dictates that I should get drunk in the backyard tonight and try to learn to play the didgeridoo.