Let’s be honest, murdering someone before coffee would be pretty lackluster. I’d probably be too tired to even get the job done.
You Might Also Like
my ex said i had a fear of commitment but this 5 gallon jar of Costco olives says otherwise
Me: [talking to millenials] When I was your age, dragons roamed the earth. Magic was real. There were only three Star Wars movies.
I love that spiderman sits like that. That’s not a spider thing. Spiders don’t do that. But spiderman does.
We’ve designed you a new phone 007.
It’s exactly the same as your old phone but you’ll need to buy a new charger.
The biggest myth about travel is “packing light” – don’t bother! Light is available from the sun and artificial sources worldwide.
One of my favourite summer activities is to pretend I don’t know what a motorcycle is. It seems to sting worse because I’m a heavily tattooed blonde woman. I like to keep saying ‘it sounds like you’re describing a bicycle?’
My kid: My mom drinks all day. She keeps filling up her special cup so she can drink all day. Sometimes she even puts this special powder in her drink too.
Me: IT’S WATER. I DRINK WATER ALL DAY WITH LEMONADE POWDER BECAUSE THE CITRIC ACID KEEPS MY KIDNEY STONES AWAY FFS!!
Protip: If your wife says the cord on the vacuum cleaner is too short, it doesn’t mean she’s asking for an extension cord for her birthday.
[someone likes me as a friend]
Heart: hey you should fall in love with them
Me: what? no
Heart: *80s power ballad starts playing*
I go under the police tape, approach the chalk outlined body, and flash my subway sandwich card.
“Ok what do we got here?”
there are 2 kinds of people – those who tap their beer can before they drink, and those who have not yet been stung in the mouth by a wasp
Sorry I’m late, I believed the washing machine when it said it only had one minute left in the cycle.
the first rule of micromanager club is…here, i’ll just show u
just kicked half a dozen toys under the sofa and called my house tidy
[blind date]
So,where you from?
[eyes turn black]
T h E S E v E n T H C i R C L e O F H e L L
Oh nice. ever miss it?
[cries blood]
Y e s
[time traveler returns home to 1881] guys i forgot to grab the cure for malaria but here’s some…DORITOS LOCOS TACOS [loud cheering]
The Pope quit. Meteor in Russia. Snowing in Arizona. Star Wars and Star Trek have the same director. Who the hell is playing Jumanji?
Some people are like water balloons; they’re more fun when you throw them out the window.
I’m white, but not “I’m gonna check out the spooky sounds in the basement” white.
My child is as cold as ice I wonder where they get that from
I love you…
…r dog.
Creepy Singles in your area want to sniff your panties and drink your bath water
The difference between a motel and a hotel is about $200.
[spelling bee]
“your word is… death”
can you use it in a sentence?
“in most states, yes”
Texting my boss to let him know how excited I am for work tomorrow
If you’re ever interviewed after my murder, please, for the love of god, don’t say “she had a smile that lit up the room.” Tell the truth: we always knew she’d get on the wrong side of a sniper or we were worried about that dangerous model train group she got mixed up with.
I don’t know what my husband is planning on doing for me for Mother’s Day but I hope it’s the laundry.
my friend told me on first dates i should just “be myself” and “be confident” and i was like “ok but which one?”
Alan Rickman lost in the woods, leaving a trail of perfectly pronounced words
Friend nagged me for TDKR OST. Renamed Backstreet Boys song and mailed them to him. Fun.