[at job interview at NASA]
NASA: sir, you’re underqualified for this position.
Me: have you seen our president?
NASA: give him a spaceship
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an ear doctor’s practice called “hear, here” somebody write that down
Twitter because there’s no other way to get to know so many Canadians at once
As a kid, I always wondered why my mom never wore the macaroni necklace I made her to work. And now I’m a mom and I’m like, Oh. OK.
One thing you learn how to quickly do as a parent is to pretend to not have any money when you walk by vending machines.
Circling toys in the Christmas catalog as a kid for your parents is the same as sending links to your spouse as an adult.
I’ve done hundreds of crossword puzzles over the years, but just this morning I noticed they provide clues.
getting a rib removed so i can suck my own rib
Dear Santa, I’ve been good all year.
Most of the time.
Once in a while.
Never mind, I’ll buy my own stuff.
I don’t think my car can fly
Whoa whoa whoa, I thought that was OUR thing!
-me to my favorite cashier when she smiles at other customers
In a dispute with my neighbour, I dumped a wash basin on his front lawn. If he thinks I’m apologising, he’s got another sink coming.
i just ate a disturbing amount of hummus. my apologies to my dog.
My dentist told me I need a crown. I was like I KNOW, RIGHT?
No one :
Me when I swimming :
My 7y/o son walked in without eyebrows and I was just about to put him in timeout for shaving them off when I noticed tweezers in my dog’s crate and now I don’t know who to punish.
invited to a party: will there be food?
to a wedding: will there be food?
to the gym: will there be food?
to an orgy: will there be food?
to an intervention: will there be food?
to be a human trial subject for experimental brain surgery: will there be food?
i want the first line of my obituary to be about how i once used an umbrella three different times before losing it
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: rewatching Frozen.
Wife: why?
Me: so I know what’s going on when I take our Daughter to see Frozen II.
Wife: why?
Me: so we can talk about both movies on the drive home.
Wife: why?
Me: cause she loves Frozen and I want to share this with her.
Sorry I didn’t make mashed potatoes. The potato masher was stopping me from opening the drawer.
“I’ll just stagger around yelling random, incoherent shit as people try to keep me from hurting myself.”
Drunks and 1 year olds.
Her: How would you describe that green sheep?
Me: I don’t know. Olive ewe?
Her: I knew you’d say it first! I love you too!
Entrapment 101
I hear all these Trump supporters saying they support him because he speaks his mind. Well you know who else speaks his mind? My 4 year old.
*Tries to start the wave at a funeral
I hope the bomber suspect is made of green screen so we can all project our most feared skin color onto him.
Today my toddler is crying because he doesn’t have his stuffed animal. That he put in the fridge. And yelled at me for trying to take it out.
Mortal Kombat: FINISH HIM
Immortal Kombat: omg this is taking forever
Dog: I’m a man’s best friend, he even named one of his teeth after me.
Pussycat: Yeah, you’re not gonna win this one.
My pants had a harsh talk with me this morning and said enough is enough or they’re going to split
[Shopping for Deodorant]
I’m gonna get the same kind I always do, but I better sniff it first to make sure I still like it.
Am I supposed to present a monologue play while I use this toilet? Wtf is it on a stage for.