Barnabas had a lazy eye.
The other, however, was a real go-getter.
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Wait is Venmo down too?? Venmo me I’m curious
Someone on the radio said Britain will remain calm about the Coronavirus.
People phoned the police when KFC ran out of chicken
*Action movie guy gets shot 3 times* It’s nothing, I’ll be fine. *gets shot a 4th time* Wow ok, that last one, ok whoooooo.
so amazing how my parents found each other even though they were from opposite ends of the eyebrow spectrum
Who called it Osteoporosis and not Epic Frail?
Elections?Vote for pizza. Throw the pizza slice in the envelope. Not all of it silly! Just a little corner will do. Eat the rest. As usual
Thought I’d surprise her with that hitachi on her Amazon wish list but autocorrect changed it to hibachi…boy was she surprised.
ME: do you like it better when I part it down the middle or when I tease it out with styling mousse
HER: how about we just shave your back instead
ouch
PHILOSOPHERS: We don’t know how the mind and body are connected
ME (who has a mind and a body): oh no!
him, texting from the party: where did you go???
me, already home in bed: bathroom brb
I told my husband no less than thrice not to get red delicious apples because they are not, in fact, delicious, so you all know what he came home with
I walk around my yard with a cane so my neighbors will never ask me to help them move something.
Now that I’m in my mid-forties I think I’ll take up parkour.
“Once we come down off this wall we’ll be on the lam. That means we’re fugitives, laying low, on the run…”
– condescending con descending
[orders pizza]
Would you also like our cheesy bread, comes with sauce?
Are you trying to sell me a side of pizza with my pizza? 2 please.
My cat likes to trampoline on my bladder if I don’t feed him. He knows just the spot that will get me leaping out of bed at 5 or 6 am.
*Tries to warm up car*
Car: I have a boyfriend
LinkedIn is severely overestimating how often I “congratulate” people.
Finished christmas shopping for my entire family.
*walks out of pharmacy*
Boss: You’ve really raised the bar around here.
Me: Thank you.
Boss: The customers can’t reach their drinks you moron.
FRIEND: Jack is sleeping, what should we do to him?
TYLER: Shaving cream.
MARK: Shaving cream.
ME: Pay off his student loans.
[they all look at me]
ME: I mean shave him.
How long does Chewbacca take to shampoo his hair?
My 4yo just said “is life a dream because it doesn’t make sense” and I suspect he’s right
landlords: *will ignore you for months about issues in your apartment*
also landlords: your rent was 2.6 milliseconds late
My favorite Facebook tradition is when women wish another woman happy birthday by posting a picture together from their wedding. Like happy birthday but this is still all about me.
Not to brag, but my father bit someone’s ear off long before Mike Tyson made it cool.
Coyotes don’t run away – they pause and stare, like they’re trying to place you. One did this to me on the way home and I rolled down the window and said “I used to bartend at a fondue place?” He snapped his paw and said “right that’s it” and trotted off in the rain.
Going to open a Vietnamese restaurant and name it Viet Nom Nom Nom.
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