so tell me….is there a mama ghanoush?
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If you enjoy waking up and checking to see what died, get a fish tank
I own 2 crabs. One is happy and the other is grumpy. The happy one is crab A.
The grumpy one is crab B.
Hey Verizon, here’s an idea ~ $9.99 for unlimited calls, text, and data. But, $179.99 a minute to call ex-girlfriends.
me: just tell me I don’t die in an Arby’s bathroom stall
Death: [sadly looking up from his book] look, what matters is how you lived
Everyone becomes a robo-dancer with their hands when the motion sensor faucet isn’t working.
Don’t you just hate it when you have a day off to relax by the pool and enjoy a well-stocked pantry but then your neighbour comes home early and threatens to call the cops?
God: you’re a seabird.
Puffin: can I fly?
God: oh course you can fly you’re a bird aren’t you?
Puffin: oh good.
God: omg can you even imagine being a bird that can’t fly?
Puffin: I know right? lol.
Penguin: [under breath] don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry.
Sorry the tattoo artist missed your eye and put that teardrop under your nostril.
The only thing I’ve learned from scary movies is to avoid pale children
Kids: Mom, what happened to our college fund?
Me: Avocados.
3 fought tooth and nail over not putting on pants under a dress this morning. I explained it was weather appropriate.
3: How about I put them on now and take them off at school?
She’s going to crush high school.
When you think about it, the little old man behind the curtain in Oz was the original catfish.
Every dog, in a previous life, has been murdered by a shoe.
I like that the same two questions are still unanswered from my childhood.. what’s the meaning of life? And can you tell me how to get to Sesame Street?
Me: Ugh I’ve gained so much weight
Him: It’s ok, babe
Me: [my eyes turn black as the sky darkens; a swarm of locusts encircle us; a priest faints and a demonic voice exits my mouth uttering a simple sound] Oh?
Being a mom means being the first one up in the morning, the last one to bed at night, and the only one drinking during church.
Y’all tweet like you don’t know it only takes 2 doctors to commit you.
I’m really bad at measuring the correct amount of pasta, so if you and 79 of your friends want spaghetti tonight, come on over.
Do one thing every day that scares your psychiatrist
Have to write a note to my kid’s first grade teacher, and now I’m stressed out about my handwriting
her: i saw a shark walking along the beach
me: *flicks cigarette* sharks don’t even have feet, jen
Unpopular opinion: I want bathroom scented candles to be called john wicks
No Auto-correct, I never meant “Relationship Goats”.
[David Attenborough voice]
and although the female human is no longer hungry she returns once more to the fridge.
I bought way too much food when the pandemic began and now my tater tots are tater tweens.
Me: Just reverse it, like a vasectomy.
Surgeon: I’m not putting your wisdom teeth back in.
*standing next to a wheelbarrow full of BBQ sauce*
Look, no one is arguing that the zoo fire isn’t a horrible tragedy.
Her: I don’t see color
Me: They make glasses for that now
Cop: *with my license* says here you’re supposed to wear glasses
Me: I have contacts
Cop: I don’t care who you know, put your glasses on
hitman: clearly you can’t afford my rates so i’m referring you over to my partner
hit or missman: i guarantee that i will either kill the target or get you sent directly to jail