I’m already scared
You Might Also Like
Yes, I have been awake since 5am. Just not a “productive member of society” level of awake. For that you need to wait until about 11:30am when I will wash up 5 mugs & send an email. Then I’ll get hungry & we’re back to square one.
It’s been 5 years now. I’m afraid that I actually might not be bloated.
[in a crowded elevator]
ME: *loudly* THE ELEVATOR WAS INVENTED BY DARTH’S LESSER KNOWN SISTER, ELE.
Reality show idea: an aggressive, Gordon Ramsay-esque plant expert goes to the homes of black thumbed individuals & insults them & flips over pots of soil & comes back 3 months later to see if they have made any plant progress.
I’ve failed the “I am not a robot” captchas so often the robots have started including me in their World Domination chat rooms and bake sales.
My 4 year old refused his dinner but it’s ok because I caught him eating a Milkbone earlier
Me: We spend a lot of time together.
Her: Turn left.
Me: Just think we should take this to the next level.
Her: Arriving at destination.
Boss to staff: “What incentives would make you work harder?”
Staff member: “Bonus!”
Boss: “I’m not boning any of you.”
the divorce rate among my socks is astonishing
Ticket Clerk: Enjoy the film!
Me: U too!
TC: Really? You’ll take me with u?
Me: I didn’t mean..
TC: Oh, I see
Me: I’m sor
TC: [sobs] JUST GO
You’re an atheist? Well I don’t believe you. See how you like it.
*flips over table*
*table flips back up*
Table: You got a problem?
Me: DO YOU?
Table: …
Me: HUH?
Table: …
Me: I SAID DO WE HA-
Table: No
“My great-grandma went to jail for making moonshine” was probably not the family history topic my son’s teacher expected.
waiter: *murdering me*
me: [after ordering the not getting murdered] no no this is fine
[me as a mechanic]
*wiping hands with a greasy rag* Yep, it’s haunted.
Customer: It’s-
Me: Haunted.
me: where’s the milk?
supermarket clerk: by the eggs
me: no i just want milk
It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this big bowl of pasta, but the important thing is that I tried.
My favorite thing is when there’s not enough time in therapy to bring something to conclusion and you’re just sent home with all your unearthed trauma and demons like ok cool see you next week stay hydrated
Found an expired condom. Oh well, still ate it anyway. Hope I don’t get sick!
*11pm*
me: Good night
brain: Good night
*11:05pm*
brain: SCARAMOUCHE, SCARAMOUCHE, WILL YOU DO THE FANDANGO?
Friend: Can I be honest with you about something?
Me: Of course!
Friend: You sometimes-
Me: *walking into the ocean* Hahah I know, right?
I have keys on my keychain from the houses I used to live in just in case I’m hungry and in the area.
Him: what does a polar bear weigh?
Me: I don’t know
Him: enough to break the ice, my name’s John.
Me: so’s mine.
Not everyone in my family follows Apple news, my sister included
Can i borrow your truck?
Me: no problem just read the dashboard
If you think my tweets are bad you should see most of my life choices
People acting all happy and energized first thing in the morning 🙄 chill out. You aren’t a teletubby.
Hulk Hogan tries to quietly rip his shirt off during a funeral.
I asked 14 to do me a favor, and he said, ”okay.” Then deliberately fell face first into the mattress on my bed.
Same kid, same.
“how would you like your steak prepared?”
i’d like the chefs to work together and try their best and most of all have fun