*uses Mr. Clean magic eraser to wipe off your drawn on eyebrows*
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Chuck Norris once gave an uppercut to a horse!
Now we have Giraffes.
Attention!! To Whomever has my voodoo doll… I could really use a back rub.
[bank heist]
rob: what’s the plan
me: tom, you get the car ready while i hold up the bank
rob: it’s “rob”
me: sorry, tom get the car ready while i rob the bank
me: sorry i couldn’t stay longer
friend: no that was long enough
Thursday, 4:01pm
“Still there.”
“Yep.”
“Looks blue.”
“It certainly does.”
“Wet too.”
“Totally.”
“See you next week?”
“Count on it.”
My five-year plan? Well, I’d like to learn how to shuffle together a sandwich like you see in cartoons.
[first time at a rave]
These M&Ms make my hair follicles feel weird
A long holiday weekend is great until you realize the kids have a long holiday weekend, too.
Shakespeare: shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
Me: sure
Shakespeare: okay. summer’s day > you
My 8yr just said we go together like biscuits and cream cheese. And I can’t tell if that’s a compliment or contradiction
BLACK WIDOW: help I think my husband is dead
911: did u murder him?
BLACK WIDOW: uh
911: ma’am
BLACK WIDOW: *quietly hangs up the phone*
me: [yawning] might get dressed today
coworkers in zoom meeting: please do
Me: “Yes, finally! I got a nice, staple paying job!”
Friend: “Don’t you mean stable?”
Me: “Definitely not! I don’t even know if I have enough staples to afford a horse, let alone shelter it.”
“What are you doing, Merlin?”
“He said he was cold.”
Wife: oh honey, I didn’t marry for money, the guy I fell in love with had an easy smile, a sparkling laugh & big dreams. then I met you.
God: you’re a llama.
Llama: I look ridiculous.
God: why do you say that?
Llama: I look like a giraffe made love to a sheep.
God: that’s not true.
Llama: i’m a giraffe sheep : (
God: [under breath] more like a drama llama.
My uncle married a woman from Tokyo and they just had a daughter.
She’s my Japaniece..
Fitness influencer: It’s important to listen to your body.
Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.
If your rice gets wet, just put it in a bag of phones.
My dog just ate one of my earbuds gonna blast metal until I get it back
I bet they all call me paranoid behind my back?!
My youngest daughter is blowing relentlessly on a recorder
So you can understand what level of stabby I am right now
we all have skills – but like, ones you can’t talk about right? like I am really good at wringing out a cloth the perfect amount so it doesn’t drip but it’s still juicy
[first day in hell]
Satan: WELCOME TO ETERNAL HELLFIRE!
Me: ugh, thank god, my feet are freezing
Satan: HAHAH- what?
Me: *cuddling under a burning blanket* so cozy
Satan: wait, where did you get the hot cocoa?
gimma back my stick frost man… 😖☃️
what if eric trump is actually a nigerian prince
Why does my kid always want to become a vegetarian after I’ve bought a shitload of meat
Me: Throw it back. It’s too small.
Him: Ma’am, this is your child.
Me: Fine. Use him as bait.
ME: I’ll have the burger.
WAITER: And how do you like your burger?
ME: I don’t know. You haven’t brought it to me yet.
well well well if it isn’t my neighbor thinking he can sit on a porch better than me