Wanna feel old? Of course you don’t. Have a great day.
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I failed a history exam, stood-up my girlfriend and accidentally bought a packet of figs today because I’m terrible with dates.
me watching old game shows: why are they giving away luggage sets. what a dumb and bad prize
me in 2022, today: why are suitcases $900
Insomniacs who are not afraid of the dark have nighty-night problems but the pitch ain’t one.
Trump: 🎶 Do you wanna build a snowman? 🎶
Elsa: Who will pay for this snowman?
Trump: 🎶 Ok byeee 🎶
Oh you love your mom? Name three of her albums
Idea: a neck tattoo that depicts a man having an unsuccessful job interview because of his neck tattoo
When I was a kid I would say I’m whatever age and a half because I wanted to be older.
Now I say I turned 40 a few years ago.
By 33, you’d think I’d have figured out at some point along the way where to put my arms when I sleep.
If I could time-travel, forget killing baby Hitler. I’d go back to use every come back I ever thought of 10 minutes too late.
You see when you ask for nudes specificity is key. I have a whole camera roll of sphinx cats and I’m not afraid to use it.
Washing instructions: Hand wash only.
Me: We’ll see about that.
[break room]
coworker: what’s for lunch?
me: [eating] food, generally
cw: no, I mean what are you having?
me: an unwanted conversation
Wife: You’re so predictable
Me: Yeah? I bet u didn’t see this coming
*I go to throw water on her but shes already wearing a poncho*
Me: Damn
The dismemberments will continue until morale improves now back to work and chop chop
Told the kids it’s gonna cost them $8/month to keep using my last name.
Priest: may God rest his soul
*casket begins to lower*
*I start clapping*
*everyone looks at me*
Me: sorry was that not the end of it
ME: Can you stop the car here? I wanna pet the dogs at that animal shelter.
ARRESTING OFFICER: No.
remember you can close your eyes and imagine a mouse holding a cocktail umbrella walking across a spaghetti noodle tight rope any time you want. no one can stop you
Writing “and eat it” at the bottom of my neighbors’ little “pick up your dog’s poop” yard sign
My son: little pig, little pig, let me in!
Me: Ok first of all, rude because, yes, I have been eating more lately, no need to get personal son
My son: say your line mummy!
Me: not by the hair of my ch- OK I’M NOT PLAYING ANYMORE
How do I form meaningful friendships as an adult without enrolling in grad school or joining a cult?
Imma get shredded!
Goes to the cheese aisle.
A haunted house, but just with a bunch of mall kiosk guys chasing you with face cream
Me: My blood pressure is sky high. I need to get my affairs in order.
Him: Make a will?
Me: I was thinking flings with hot men, but OK.
Remember the days we could get out of bed without looking like a newborn pony trying to walk?
Good times.
The only time I miss masking is after I’ve eaten an Oreo
moth *repeatedly bashing itself against my computer monitor*
me: it’s not a touchscreen you have to use the mouse
Roses are red,
violets are blue,
dogs go woof
and cows go moo.#PoetryDay #RubbishJokes
how tf do u spell matthew mick hon hon hay
[taking pregnant wife to hospital ER]
Me: Help! My wife’s having contradictions!
Dr: Don’t you mean contractions?
Wife: Never say never