“You will feel a little pressure but no pain…”
~Doctors or dentists about to hurt you bad
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My dog just winked at me, and now I’m wondering just exactly what the two of us are keeping from the rest of the family.
Why no, Google Maps, I don’t want to save 4 minutes on my trip by driving through the Mines of Moria, but thank you very much for asking.
My little dog has gotten into the box of treats & hidden them throughout the house. Every now & then he eats one. He’s strutting around like he pulled off a bank heist & is spending the cash slowly.
named my phone lois lane bc it doesn’t recognize me with glasses on either.
I called it a “housewarming party”. The District Attorney called it “aggravated arson”. Semantics.
Want guests to leave early? Don’t give them your WiFi password
You’re welcome
“kill them with kindness” wrong. crow attack
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He’s eating a burger and fries all nom nom nom and I’m over here eating a salad all non non non.
Honk if you are possessed by the vengeful spirit of a goose
I was 36 before I figured out most of my dad’s advice to me was just quotes from Burt Reynolds movies.
A body like this doesn’t just happen, I say to myself as I pause the workout video to take blueberry crumble muffins out of the oven.
How do you stop babies crying when you drop them? And don’t say ‘garbage disposal’ because that’s jammed now.
I should have known my first marriage was doomed from the start when the minister hurried us along because a funeral was coming in.
Say what you will about Kylo Ren, but you have to appreciate his Han die coordination.
I wish I loved anything as much as fitbit loves not giving me credit for all the steps I walked whilst looking for my lost fitbit.
Mom: here comes the plane!
Baby: *seinfeld voice* what’s the DEAL with airplane food!?
She agreed to a second date but when I went to pick her up, her place was a Spirit Halloween. So now I’m not sure if she ghosted me or just stepped out for coffee real quick
*at a restaurant, eating burgers*
Me: “I don’t take condiments well.”
Friend: “Don’t you mean compliments?”
Me: *already covered head-to-toe in ketchup*
6 YEAR OLD RENOVATOR: So over here we’ll tear up the carpet, and obviously add a lot of furniture, as the floor will be lava.
Felony is a beautiful name for a girl
Cat: HUMAN IS TIME 2 DO A NEGOTIATE
Me: ok
Cat: IF U LET CAT EAT JUST ONE PLASTIC CAT WILL PROTECT U FROM SPIDERS
Me: I’m sorry but you can’t eat plastic, it’s really bad for you
Cat: FINE. U AM CHOOSE WAR
Me:
Cat:
Me: where are you going
Cat: MAKE ALLIANCE WITH SPIDERS
[shark-filled moat]
ROBIN: golly, Batman, how can we distract them?
BATMAN: *pushing him in* we’ll think of something, chum
*is somehow finally able to leave Hotel California*
FRONT DESK: ok that will be $382,197,067.92
Toddler: *listening to song*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *takes a nap*Me: FINALLY! A break from that —
Brain: I’ll take it from here.
me: aw i look so cute
my camera: are you in the right headspace to receive information that could possibly hurt you?
Before 40: stretch to prevent injury
After 40: injure self during stretching
Wordle 241 1/6
🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩
Finally figured out how to correctly play this game!
instagram: look at my new boyfriend
twitter: I can’t get a boyfriend
reddit: my [21F] boyfriend [53M] boyfriend forbids me from going into the basement and has a sock drawer full of missing women’s driver’s licenses, AITA for being uncomfortable? the wedding is in three hours
You could completely eliminate the semicolon key and 90% of America wouldn’t notice… until they needed to wink at somebody.
[Weights bench at the gym]
ME: …327…328…329…
PERSONAL TRAINER: Can you please stop counting ceiling tiles and do some exercise