You call it armed robbery, I call it people giving me gifts to celebrate my new gun!
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I once followed a puppy home on the off chance that I’d forgotten where I actually live and that he was, somehow, my dog.
But, yeah, let me raise two kids.
My 4yo is crying because she has outgrown her clothes during quarantine.
Same girl, same.
Did give Husband a haircut after three cocktails, but he thinks it looks great because three cocktails.
When I complained to Amazon about a missing parcel and they asked me to send photographic evidence.
Ninjas owed people money. You don’t get that good at hiding without owing people money.
no matter how many years they’ve been practicing, a bagpipe player always sounds like they started learning that day
[harry potter, college edition]
Voldemort: the boy who lived, come t-
Harry: yeah yeah just kill me already
Voldemort: wh-what
Harry: i’m $100k in debt and i have a masters in communications
Voldemort: *giggling* on second thought nevermind
4yo: mommy, can you make me popcorn when you are done sitting?
Me: {gets into a more comfortable position} sureee!
people are attacking at me with pitchforks simply because i choose to lay still under piles of hay, straw, and leaves at times.
This chic on Facebook said she ran 17 miles yesterday. Where I live the police would have gave up after like, IDK, 6 miles maybe.
-Boss: “Send me one of your funny tweets”
-Me: “I’m working at the moment, I’ll send you one later”
-Boss: “Hahaha! Send me another one.”
I’m installing a generous 4 minute timer on my forehead so that chatty people know when it’s time to wrap this up.
I got tazed in the zoo again for telling a group of kids that an angry giraffe is called a grrraffe.
I pretend to the cashier lady to have two adorable children whenever I’m buying mom jeans.
Husband just told our daughter we were going hiking “near the place where mommy had to pee outside”
[sitting at bar next to cute woman]
You remind me of my late wife.
“Oh I’m so sorry.”
Don’t be, *looks across restaurant* there she is now.
the coronavirus really making people awaken their inner “A guy bought 20 watermelons” from those math problems
The only thing I love more than an open mind is an open bar.
A “hootenanny” is someone who babysits your owls.
How does a Ninja attack a pig?
Pork Chop.
Welcome to your 40’s. Right after you’re done peeing, you feel like you need to pee.
[gets exhausted after having sex for five minutes] “Go on without me”
Tom work hard.
Tom tired.
Tom need break.
Tom book Caribbean vacation.
Tom Cruise.
Let me sing you the song of my people
*moves and 97 joints pop*
[alphabet committee]
Boss: what are the vowels
Designer: a e i o and u
Boss: sometimes i think we need another one
Designer: why
Boss: ok
I get home and realize where my house stood a shark now sits dressed as a house with its mouth open
Shark:[nervously makes house noises]
It seems like I only lose weight when I don’t buy ice cream.
Can someone else start buying my ice cream for me please?
With the holidays upon us, please dont forget what they stand for. Family, friends & punching strangers at the mall because they cut in line
Might quit my job and become a content creator and live off the royalties for the next 19 seconds.