Accidentally left my shopping list on the kitchen bench so had to rely on memory. Came home with a tub of icecream & a pony.
You Might Also Like
them: do you think about other people when you have sex
me: when I have what now
It takes my husband longer to choose a rental car online than it did for us to choose the names for our sons.
“Rapunzel, Rapunzel let down your hair!”
*A long strand of smelly hair falls out the tower*
“Screw this!”
wanna bet Tom Hanks is kinda bitter about how easily Moana got over that break in the waves.
My kid asked how the Easter bunny gets inside the house and I’m very uncomfortable with the amount of lying this parenting gig requires.
My uncle Terry told me not to worry, that love would find a way, but on the other hand he once took a shit in a hammock
her: why do you keep your eyes open when you kiss me?
me: bears
I’m a good listener. If you’re interesting. Or you’re a movie about penguins.
How to kiss:
1-open your mouth
2-wider
3-wider
4-unhinge jaw
5-summon the Dark Overlord
Him: I like bad girls.
Me: Sometimes I deliberately leave out the Oxford comma.
Him:
Me: That’s a lie. I’m sorry, I can’t do this.
Stop writing so much funny shit, people. I’ve been dishing out stars today like a first grade teacher on meth.
I enjoy long walks on the beach and that thing you just did with that banana.
My favorite word in the English language is “Amen” because when I hear it I know you’re finally done asking Me for stupid shit.
Aries: You will be transported into a video game. Don’t get excited. You’ll be a tree.
I want a man that loves to play video games, loves to watch sports, loves to hang out with his friends, loves to spend time with his family, loves to read, has a full time job, and who enjoys having time to himself. Basically, I need someone who will leave me alone constantly.
All dates are ‘blind dates.’
The biological structure of fruit plants do not allow eye growth, therefore rendering them incapable of sight.
My brother says that after you reach a certain age, you become more concerned about the hereafter.
As in:
I cam into this room. what did I come here after?
My 7yo informed me that the fake tombstones we put up are both for the same guy and now he wants to know who Rip is.
[cop writing me a ticket]
me: cmon can you just give me a warning?
cop: sure *leans in* warning, you’re about to get a ticket
I’m so tired, I’m thinking of visiting my grandma just so I can take a swig outta her oxygen tank.
My son graduated preschool last week, so naturally I’m saving all his artwork in the basement so I can give it to him when he’s 37.
I caught myself in the mirror eating a peach and instantly realized why so many people have boundaries with me.
DON’T make this weird…
(I whisper in your ear, as I pet your eyebrows)
*wife spends all morning convincing son not to be afraid of the dentist*
“Dad are you coming too?”
Hell no dentists scare the shit out of me
The most abundant animal in the world is the chameleon. Scientists disagree with me but they’re only counting the ones they can see
My bumper sticker says “My kid is your honor student’s drug dealer.”
me: I have a phobia of very large numbers
therapist: I can help u
me: thanks a twelve
The doctor holds the stethoscope against my chest and frowns. Perhaps I should not have eaten all those bees.
After years of intense research, I have come to the conclusion that dryer lint is actually the cremated remains of all my other socks.
i’m getting my wisdom teeth taken out on monday. i know most people get this procedure done when they’re like 16 but i think the move is waiting to do it when you’re 25 and depressed cause then you can appreciate the drugs a lot more