Write a suicide note on Facebook and they try to talk you out of it.
Write a suicide note on Twitter and they correct your grammar.
You Might Also Like
E-Harmony Rep: And here’s your starter cat-
Me: What?
Rep: Here’s your starter pack.
Me: You said cat.
Rep:
Me:
Rep:
Me:
Rep: *folder meows*
My daughter just asked me a math question then proceeded to make motorcycle noises in case you were wondering how homeschooling went this year
I don’t really ask for much, just good health and happiness. Oh, and a tater tot as big as my head.
Her: *hands me her baby*
Me: *drops it*
Her:
Me: So, is there like a five second rule or…?
wtf are you supposed to do when maintenance people come over your house? do I stand there and tell him he’s doing a good job?
Mondays aren’t too bad if you remember one thing: Use short bursts —flamethrowers don’t hold much fuel.
I’m running out of lies to tell in confessional but it’s the only place I can sit in silence away from my kids.
Waking up on Friday thinking it is Saturday is like getting a fake ID and learning it’s expired.
I can’t wait for the government to shut down I have some scores to settle. Big time
“You know what pal, lay your own damn eggs” – jerk chicken
me: the best things in life are free!
lawyer: again, I don’t think the bank you robbed sees it that way
I don’t got that dog in me. I got that cat in me. Bam knocked your water cup right off the counter. Now I’m gonna take a nap
[at the gun store]
Me: I’ll take that gun & a box of ammo
Clerk: that’ll be $250
Me [with a gun & a box of ammo]: no
I failed at chemistry in high school…
And finally started dating in college.
Objects in the mirror may appear like you’ve been depressed and have eaten a lot the last 3 years.
Wife: [on phone]
Me: Who are you calling?
Wife: The fire department.
Me: Why?
Wife: I need a permit to light your birthday candles.
Maybe newborn babies cry because reincarnation is real and they’re like “not this shit again”
My neighbor cut their tree down and now my house looks bald.
“There should be a less mean way of saying the F word because some people might forget they can’t say that in school”
– my 6yo, absolutely not talking about herself
SERIAL KILLER: prepare to die
ME: thanks, you too
My pappy died in the sea. Not even his old chum could save him. In fact, that’s exactly what brought the sharks in the first place
I hate when ppl at the grocery store get mad at you for “stealing” their cart of food. YOU DON’T OWN THIS STUFF YET!!!!!!
[1st date, don’t let her know you’re a panda]
“Do u mind if I ask how you got the um *gestures at eyes*
These? I..*rubs neck* cage fighting
Them: can you explain the gaps in your resume?
Me: Can you explain your haircut?
her: You look really good.
me: Thanks! That’s a really cool pen. Where did you get it?
Make your daily standup meeting shorter
Delicious if literal: in a pickle.
When someone my age uses the word “harvest” there’s a 50/50 chance it’s a reference to either body parts or tomatoes.
me looking at the supermarket camera after eating a grape