Terrify your parents by answering your cellphone.
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If you’re gonna name your son after you, at least make it interesting. Like, instead of Junior, go with something like “Jeff 2: Revenge of the Jeff
[cat adoption agency]
Counselor: …*slowly pushes my application off the counter*
Me: What the hell?
Counselor: You’re not ready
My personal brand is being the guest at a wedding who can’t dance but puts in a noticeable effort.
Fitbits are just Tamagotchi except the stupid animal ur trying to keep alive is u
I’m not an alcoholic. I only go to the liquor store every day because they ask to see my ID & therefore must think I look young & pretty.
When sewing, always remember pattern placement is key.
This gratitude journal looks a lot like a grocery list.
I’m uncomfortable around tall people. what if they pick me up and put me on their shoulders
I would throw myself under a duvet for you.
When I go to the movies alone, I take a clipboard so everyone thinks I’m a professional movie reviewer and not an awkward friendless loner.
I use my rear windshield wiper mainly to show off that I have a car with a rear windshield wiper.
What if death gives you lemons?
What then??
My last relationship was so bad, it featured Pitbull.
interviewer: why’d you leave your last job
me: i heard a loud noise
interviewer: wow what was it
me: my boss yelling get out you’re fired
Kids teach you so many life lessons.
Unconditional love, patience, the meaning of family, but mostly to lock the bedroom door.
Too much insomnia causes caffeine.
[first day as a ninja]
me: *sneaking in*
him: I’ve been expecting you
me: how
him: dude, I heard the tic tacs rattling in your purse from a mile away is this your first day
Love it when moms refer to kids by age in tweets. “6 fell down today”. Wonder if the kids do the opposite at school: “33 is drunk again”.
Dating tip:
If she says she’s into beards, don’t compliment hers.
friend: you have to stop envying every single person you know when they find success in something you haven’t. it’s destroying your mental health and poisoning your relationships with your friends.
me: (immediately envious of their maturity and clarity of thought) right. totally
I’m not a hot mess I’m a room temp predicament
bottle cap guy is just phoning it in at this point
me: they’re all so cute but i don’t know if i can take one away from its mother and siblings
pumpkin patch employee: ok
Starting to suspect my wife was royalty in a previous life and I was her official food taster.
The closest I’ve ever come to being a ‘hunter and gatherer’ is opening my own pistachios.
Michael Myers in his 60’s walking around killing people like he got no lower back pain
chiropractor: so how’s your back been?
backstreet: alright
If cartoons are a reliable guide, the secret to never ageing is wearing the same clothes every day.
Straight friend: Will you sensitivity read my book for my lesbian best friend character?
Me, two weeks later: The lesbian best friend is absolutely perfect. Here’s 16 pages of notes detailing the incorrect things you said about Star Trek.
I would do anything for love. But I won’t do that. Or that. That’s not looking good either.