Weird how James Bond was always like, ‘I’m 007’ like just be 7
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Me: *driving* Look, kids, it’s Godzilla.
Kids: Where?
Me: *pointing* There! The big giant lizard. You can’t miss him.
Kids: WHERE!
Me: He’s picking up our car.
Kids: WHERE?!?
Me: He’s hurling us through the air.
Kids: *crying* I DIDN’T SEE HIM!!
I’ll smash someone’s car window on a hot day if I see they’ve left a chocolate bar melting inside.
Cashier: What kind of lettuce is this?
Me: Apples!
*removes “works well under pressure” from resume*
With inflation, it would be Mambo No. 6.59 in 2013
Got fired from PetSmart for unionizing the hamsters
The right response to “I’m a bit tied up at the moment” isn’t “what are you wearing?”
Apparently.
[itsy bitsy spider diary]
Day 47 of my attempt to climb water spout. Weather looks good. Hopeful.
It’s a little sad that today’s youth don’t get to experience a red rubber dodgeball to the face like we did back in the day.
The second world war should have been called world war returns
Humans: [being replaced by shapeshifting lizards] ok everyone be on the lookout for people hanging out under heat lamps or eating lots of crickets.
ah yes the two sexualities, queer and italian
knocked on my neighbors door to complain about his hammering and discovered he was hosting a Thor fancy dress party
you haven’t truly known fear until a long-forgotten furby in the back of your bedroom closet starts screaming in an australian accent at 3am
Overheard:
“Why is this guy listening to our conversation?”
I asked my twins the best thing about turning 6 and my boy twin said “my hands growing bigger” and my girl twin said “I can drink wine now”
Just bought a thesaurus at the store and brought it home to find out the pages are all blank. I have no words to describe how angry I am.
I just had the biggest bowel movement of my life then turned around and the toilet was empty. Needless to say I completely lost my shit
took my friend to the museum of natural history and she was like this is awesome it’s like being at the zoo but you don’t feel bad the whole time
My 5yo is writhing on the ground with her legs in the air screaming into a blanket while we wait for our food delivery.
It’s like looking in a mirror.
Kids only want one thing and it’s to play with whatever their sibling is playing with
It’s hard to stay mad at Kanye when you remember he once threatened to move to Oklahoma and live at his aunt’s house
My DNA came back saying I come from a wide selection of cheeses.
A mom sat down next to me at the park, smiled and asked, “Which one’s yours?”
I replied, “None of them… yet.”
cat 911: hello
cat: i need to report a murder
cat 911: kevin, is this you again
cat: yes
cat 911: what did we tell you kevin
cat: [long pause] that my food bowl being 1/3 empty is not a murder
I should probably wait a few days to drive my new F35 to work, huh
me: my mom’s here to visit
him: oh. did you meet her at the bus station?
me: no i’ve pretty much known her my whole life
My husband likes to tell me he doesn’t want to have sex by waiting for me to bring up the last bag of groceries before asking if I need help
“Say again” – I wasn’t listening
“Pardon?” – I didn’t hear you
“Eh?” – What are you on about?
“You what?” – What the hell are you on about?
“What did you just say?” – I might have to fight you
“I beg your pardon” – I might have to challenge you to a duel
Want to play doctor? You be the patient, I be the lobotomist.