NOO THERES A MOSQUITO IN MY ROOM AND IT WANTS ME. BAD
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I finally understand what the cat wants when he wakes me up at 4 am
HR wants to have a little chat about my electric fence.
I requested better work conditions but my boss screamed and threw his toy at me and now we’re both sitting in the playpen crying
My son has been awake for 3 hours and he’s been talking for 4 of them.
Top 4 horrified face expressions:
4. dragged away by crocodile
3. stabbed by serial killer
2. mauled by bear
1. no toilet paper
I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo
judge: i hold you in contempt
me: get in line, pal
– “I love Beyoncé…
– Whatever floats your boat mate.
– No, you’re thinking of ‘buoyancy’.
– …”
Clicks “open”
Tries door
Clicks “open”
Tries door
Clicks “open”
Tries door
What the FU..
Wrong car
(I have a master’s degree)
I just found an unopened box of Girl Scout cookies underneath my futon in my mom’s basement so yeah-I found love in a hopeless place.
Good cop: I get it. You wanted an easy way out.
Laptop: Please update Adobe.
A horror movie where the girl in the woods actually outruns the mutated chainsaw murderer, then it shows him sadly limping back to his car.
Apparently telling the cop during my sobriety test, it’s not how many times you fall, but how many times you get up was not the best answer.
I’m enjoying a run through the sprinkler, but everyone else “smells smoke” and “thinks we should leave the conference room”
Thanks to auto correct, my wife thinks I want to check out Stranger Thongs tonight.
Well, maybe they shouldn’t have asked me to play lawn darts while my ex was standing there like some sort of human target.
Normal Person: *has a bad dream, says “that was weird haha” and goes on with day*
Me: *has a bad dream, thinks of ways to make it into an unusual, horrifying plot for a novel, then get writer’s block, can’t finish it, and say “that was weird haha” and go on with my day*
I’m a puzzle wrapped in an enigma hidden inside a set of Russian Nesting Dolls, so deep, so profound that – what? Yes, I’ll have fries.
After years of beta testing, my body is ready to launch OS X Cougar.
[bank robbery]
Me: this is a hold up
[later at the police station]
Cop: wait, so you weren’t one of the robbers?
Me: [just likes to say what things are] this is a police station
impressing her on a first date by using no knife but two forks
[tarot reader looks at my cards]
you’re gonna die clonking your head on something
“Dude, this is so awesome, I can use my $300 smart phone as a flashlight”.
– Why we’ll be speaking Chinese in 50 years.
The Purge, but only for people who use their speakerphones in public.
It’s very important, every few days, to take a break from social media walk outside and throw up on people in person.
Me- If I buy the little snack sized bags of chips, it forces me to use portion control.
Also me- Dumps 20 little bags into a giant bowl
something that I miss about being a child is people asking me what my favourite shape is. adults don’t do this.it’s a rhombus. u don’t care
starbucks: we’ve banned plastic straws!
me: oh hell yes
starbucks: yeah we’ve got these cool new lids instead
me: what are they made of
starbucks: plastic
me:
starbucks:
me:
starbucks: wait shit
My kids brought me a mint to try. I commented that it tasted like toothpaste and they said it was hard toothpaste they scraped out of the sink and rolled into mint balls and they want me to be an investor. They call them Breath Balls and DOES ANYBODY WANT TO ADOPT SOME KIDS