I tried to check your drinking water for quality and freshness. Next time please warn me when it’s sparkly water that will bite my nose holes
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ABRAHAM: You didn’t get me anything for Father’s Day.
ISAAC: Well, you tied me to a rock and tried to murder me, so, let’s call it even.
ABRAHAM: I feel like you use that excuse a lot.
ISAAC: Well, you tied me to a rock and tried to murder me, so, probably gonna keep using it.
As a former member of the Leopards Eating People’s Faces party until it became extremist, I can tell you that the Let’s Not Eat Anyone’s Face party will get nowhere unless it elects a candidate who wants leopards to eat *some* people’s faces.
4: Is the Easter Bunny still coming to our house?
10: Oh I saw on the news he got Coronavirus and Easter is cancelled
Me: (forgot to get Easter eggs) Yup, it’s true
*i finally get a girl over*
*dad rolls out from under my bed*
YO SON WHATA YA CALL A PIG WHO DOES KARATE?
“dad no”
A PORK CHOP
wow, ok, unfollowing now. was a huge fan of his cooking. had no idea he was exploiting the labor of a marginalized rat
Even when food is heaven on Earth
my husband adds hot sauce till it tastes like satan.
I’m trying to envision something more fitting than this election actually ending in a Biden-Trump fist fight and i cannot
Wife: What are you gonna do today?
Me: Shower.
W: …what else?
M: Make a new iTunes playlist.
W: Wow.
M: Might not have time for a shower.
If I offended anyone in the last 24 hours sorry but I forgot my medication and I ran out or premium beer and my son’s dating a scientologist
An air mattress is great when you want to sleep on the floor but not right away.
Not to be a Scrooge, but if you play or even hum along with Christmas music before December 10, you should be sent to a concentration camp.
Ways To Win My Heart:
1) Be smoking hot
2) Be thin
3) Be a pig
4) Be bacon
I opened the dishwasher and it’s full of clean dishes and I’m scared my wife is going to know that I know.
Gyms closed. So this summer gone be about personality.
Caught the neighbor kid teasing my dog, so his mom told me to yell at him any time I like.
I had a bad day, I’m gonna go see if he’s home.
<enter password>
ikilledaman
<password must contain a number>
*7 hours later*
ikilled2men
Just said “No you can’t have an apple because you’ll spoil the pizza that’s being delivered very soon.”
I shouldn’t be allowed to parent.
Facebook: Please give us access to all of your personal information
Me: Okaaaay, but only if you tell me which Golden Girl I am.
[after sex]
Her: *lights up smoke*
Me: *unwraps toothpick*
I think Twitter is affecting my eyesight. I’m having difficulty seeing the laundry pile up
*Brings an ukulele to a gun fight.
microdosing therapy by detailing all my problems when the applebee’s waiter asks “how we doin’ tonight?”
[texting w/ my nana]
Me: hey! Mom told me you learned how to use emojis!
Her: I ❤️ murder
Me: well that’s kinda wei..
Her: I will 🔫 everyone
I’m really not sure how many times I’ll search for my phone with the flashlight on my phone before I realize I’m an idiot….
Marriage is like being on a reality TV show with both spouses thinking they will be the sympathetic character the audience identifies with.
I suspect that my cat has plans to kill me, but has just never been awake long enough to carry them out.
Advantage: human.
Mistletoe is my favorite Christmas tradition that sounds like a cool as shit superpower.
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
“Do you ever get the feeling Mitch is an undercover cop?”
[MITCH enters]
MITCH: Hey guys! *speaking into shirt collar* I brought the drugs
If you like someone set them free if they comeback it means nobody liked them set them free again.