Cats won’t give away your position when someone knocks on the door. They hide with you, like understanding furry ninjas.
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Never understood the desperation behind placing ur order in English at KFC/McD. Heard a guy practicing his order while sanding in the queue.
Yesterday 9 asked what’s the meaning of life and 6 punched him, but that was yesterday when I was on acid. Numbers don’t usually talk to me.
Her: What’s your fantasy?
Me: It involves peanut butter…
Her: Mmmm. Where would you like me to put it?
Me: *hands her bread*
“I hope to find you well.”
I’m sure I had one dug somewhere on my vast estate.
im not former gifted student. i am still gifted. put me in a fourth grade class i’ll annihilate them all like i did the first time
BREAKING: area man is calculated by height times width
[Live recording of The Oprah Winfrey Show]
Oprah: *excitedly pointing at audience members* You get a car, you get a car and you get a car, *looks me squarely in the eye* not you… *resumes* you get a car, you get a car…
I stopped writing poetry when I realized their only value was to threaten to read them to people if they didn’t do what I wanted.
People say ‘bullshit’ like their shit is so high and mighty.
‘It’s about the journey, not the destination’ sounds like something the inventor of the hot air balloon came up with.
I bought a stationary bike last year and, boy oh boy, has it lived up to its name.
Gynecologists in small towns spend a lot of time looking up old friends
“Welcome to McDonald’s, how may I take your order?”
“Begrudgingly, I would imagine.”
My dad and I both have a gift for figuring out who the villain is in super hero movies we’ve already watched
It’s getting close to resolution time so I’m stockpiling now
Me: Doctor, I’m not ready to be a father yet.
Doctor: Your daughter is 10.
if i ever call you after we haven’t spoken in a while saying that i “just wanted to say hi” know that you probably died horrifically in my dream last night
microdosing therapy by detailing all my problems when the applebee’s waiter asks “how we doin’ tonight?”
Just saw a bundt so big and beautiful I changed my sexual orientation to cake.
“FINISH HIM,” I scream, as Nana takes the last bite of her gingerbread man.
You don’t scare me. You’re not an omelette I’m about to flip.
I was overcharged by a plumber!
So, I’ve been secretly training a gorilla to roll barrels at people.
Tomorrow, we’re kidnapping his girl.
TV COMMERCIAL: are you suffering from
ME: yes
WRITER: A drifter & a rich lady fall in love
WALT DISNEY: Can they be dogs?
WR: A woman steals a couple’s baby
WD: Can the baby be 101 dogs?
[the Savannah]
Lion: “Why is that lion all on his own? And why is he wearing crocs?”
Leslie Nielsen: “He has no pride. And he has no pride.”
mail is cool because 99% of the time it’s like a J.c. penney catalogue for a previous tenant and 1% of the time it’s something you’ll go to jail for if you don’t look at
Sometimes I worry that pizza isn’t a real sport
Airlines when they need to change your flight: here’s a complimentary napkin
Airlines when you need to change your flight: that’ll be $8700.
Remember friend.
A $5 iced latte a day is $25 a week, $100 a month, $1200 a year.
After 10 years.. that’s $12,000!
Which is still nowhere near enough to put a down payment on a house so enjoy your espresso in peace.
CDC: money is dirty
Money launderers: this is our time to shine