According to the signage in my state, guys named Ray own car repair shops or adult bookstores.
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I’m finally putting that giant exercise ball to use, and my core is hurting from laughing at Toddler Dodgeball.
My middle finger will be answering all questions today!
A new study found the safest city to travel to is Tokyo, Japan. Unless, of course, you’re a dolphin.
Things I’ve Said On The Phone This Week
“Sorry. I’m heavy-breathing because I’m trying to stake a canopy”
“The shell of a turtle is basically the turtle’s rib cage. A turtle cannot be dragged out of its shell.”
“Please. Don’t ask questions. Just take some zucchini.”
Me: Hey, look, I can’t stay long, I’ve got a cab downstairs.
Her: You took a cab?
Me: I’m gonna give it back!
wife: he uses food as a crutch
marriage counselor: is this true
me: [walks in twirling giant carrot] maybe
KID: where do babies come from
ME: [interrupts] and how do we stop that
Crazy how I started out my life wanting to be Bart Simpson and ended up Millhouse’s dad
If pharmaceutical companies have taught me anything, they’ve taught me that people with life threatening illnesses love to hike.
A trailer of The Exorcist comes on.
Non parents:
Aargh I can’t look.Parents with kids who don’t sleep:
Ah a film about bedtime
[first day as a vet]
Me: ma’am I’m afraid your horse has some of the worst cancer I’ve ever seen
Her: um this is a camel
Me: a what now??
security at the airport getting more straightforward
Halloween is without question the easiest time of year to kill somebody and just leave their body decomposing on your porch for a month
The best part about living during a global plague as climate collapse ravages a planet poised on the brink of world war is definitely getting up every day to make sure the spreadsheets are still spreadsheeting.
Overheard in a coffee shop: “A rat I follow on Instagram just had a stroke.” Struggling to process.
6yo: What is a solar eclipse?
Me: Have you ever been outside in the dark?
6yo: yeah
Me: same idea
i noticed you didn’t put interpretive dance on your gift registry but i went ahead and got it for you anyways
Him: When I break something, I fix it… you should try this sometime.
Me: Uhhh I take the kids to therapy thank you very much.
Just been talking to Old Bob. He was talking about all the people in his life he’s lost along the way. Lovely man, worst tour guide we’ve ever had.
My co-worker said he’s bleeding out of his ear. “That time of the month?” I replied.
He’s not amused.
Yelling at a dog to stop barking doesn’t work because the dog just goes “Cool, now we’re both barking!”
Last Minute Gift Idea:
Chew with your mouth closed.
is this store having a stroke wtf
I’m sick of my girlfriend’s husband starting shit
I’d throw you a flower, infact, I’d throw you an entire plant.
I got an online ancestry test done, then fourteen of my relatives were arrested.
Sometimes I drink water to surprise my liver
God: you’re a dog.
Dog: what does that mean?
God: it means you’re a good boy.
Dog: what did you say?
God: it means you’re a good boy.
Dog: one more time my ears aren’t the best.
God: you have perfect hearing.
Dog:
God:
Dog:
God: you’re a good boy.
Dog: [tail wag] : )
Probably the sport I’m best at is screaming.
I always thought a chickpea was just when girls go to the bathroom in groups.