me: hey man you ready to go?
goku: hold on I gotta charge my phone
me:
goku: AHHHHHHHHHH
me: almost done?
goku: AHHHHHHHHHH
me: son of a-
[On the next episode of…]
You Might Also Like
As Vladimir Putin announces he’s seeking re-election in 2018, world leaders congratulate him on his landslide victory.
Men are like my peloton – I always think going for a ride is a good idea and then 5 mins in I’m sweating profusely and questioning everything
If a centaur wins a wrestling match, does he wear his belt
Like this Or this
My biggest fears are:
-running out of chocolate
-running out of coffee
-running out of toilet paper
-running
I’m choking laughing omfg 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
Why do grocery stores double-bag everything? Like why don’t you just make bags that are twice as strong?
People who don’t like pickles are so important because they give me their pickles
Me: Have fun on your date.
Son: What if she drinks too much, or gets high?
Me: You really aren’t my kid are you?
Cat: [coughing up a hairball]
French tutor: very good
By age 30, most men have found that one special hairstyle they want to spend the rest of their life with.
*Looks up from phone.
“When did you get home?”Husband: “I’ve been talking to you for the last 15 minutes.”
My husband said I need a scary costume for Halloween this year, so I’m dressing up as a Positive Pregnancy Test.
The “bangles to politicians” insult says “come be weak like women because the weak wear bangles”. No thanks, “self-proclaimed real men”.
Beanbag chairs are fun and comfortable but you should never buy one because one day you’ll get some really bad news and you’ll have to roll off the side and onto the floor before standing up to comfort your partner.
Just a thought. Why do trees get naked come Fall? They’re so careless too, just leaving their clothes everywhere
THE GUY WHO INVENTED FIREWORKS: i’m gonna kill god.
Thank God the conventions are over because now we can get back to the real issues: FOOTBALL.
9: I want a little personal drone that I can fly in.
Me: That would be a plane.
9: No like a drone with the blades on top that I can get in.
Me: So, a helicopter then.
9: No no small like a drone.
Me: …..
Me: Yeah sorry, I never have my phone volume on, I just can’t deal with people
Boss: I don’t think you understand the concept of a “work phone”
I don’t know who needs to hear this but if you have a flock of sheep that’s having trouble with foxes/dogs get an alpaca. The alpaca will happy join the flock as a ‘long sheep’ and will kick the shit out of anyone who messes with its gang.
Source: grew up on a farm.
Me: who ate all the cookies!?
Toddler: it was the ninja
Me: did you see the ninja?
6yo: well no it’s a ninja
I was raised to be humble which I excel at cause I excel at everything.
Honestly the only reason I had more than one kid was so one day they’d be able to push each other on the swings. That shit is exhausting.
Getting asked ‘you want a fork’ by a hot Chinese waitress is misleading as fork to my american ears
My son made the mistake of telling me I was being overdramatic so I just changed the WiFi password.
We’ll see who’s overdramatic in about 2 minutes.
I googled my symptoms and it turns out that half of y’all are stupid 🤕
[APARTMENT KITCHEN]
GUY: *pouring cooking grease down the drain* i know i shouldn’t, but what do I care, i rent
[SUBTERRANEAN LAIR OF RAT PEOPLE]
RAT KING: *grease drops on his head* that man-thing is the first to die-die
RAT WORKERS: *about to breach the surface* yes-yes
[Seahawks locker room]
Coach: okay if we want to win we will need to have a bigger number for the score!
Wilson: well put! Well put!
I didn’t win the lottery, but I did find $60 in my husband’s jacket pocket this morning, so…
Fact: If you eat a slice of pizza fast enough, your body won’t understand how many calories are in it.