Doctors would be pretty cool superheroes except for the fact their weakness is apples.
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I thought I found a baby owl today that needed help. He was an adult pigmy owl who let me pick him up then clawed and bit me. He is free now
Don’t put off until tomorrow what you can drink today.
Doesn’t it alarm some of you that when ya leave the house a flock of crows follows everywhere you go.
my daughter is never hungrier than immediately after refusing the food we’ve offered her
Allow me to demonstrate my special technique of hearing what isn’t being said.
Parenting is a lot like a home improvement project. Right after the “This isn’t so bad” phase comes the “I should call someone who knows what they’re doing” phase.
(saying something slightly ambiguous on the internet) ah i could’ve phrased that better but i’ll probably get the benefit of the doubt from thousands of strangers who only come here to get pissed off
I hate feeling like I’m racing against someone in a grocery store aisle. Like aren’t we grownups here? Anyway, I won.
I’m not saying I’m a conspiracy theorist, but I swear some of these typos have been planted.
[at my funeral]
Priest: he died doing what he loved
My friend Pete from the back: he liked it yeah but I wouldn’t say he loved making toast in the bath
“People probably won’t ever need to reseal this ever, right?” – brown sugar manufacturers.
My television roles include “Fleeing Suspect” on Season 3 of Cops and “Jubilant Non Father” on Season 7 of the Maury Povich Show.
A Harvard professor says I should only eat six French fries per serving. When I have PMS I can easily eat six Harvard professors in one sitting though.
How to be a politician 101:
Answer all yes/no questions with the words “Well, look” and then answer a completely different question.
[someone says a word I’ve never heard before]
Me: *nods in agreement*
I’m going to ask you guys a question… if you are in a car and you press the gas and the brakes at the same time, does it take a screen shot?
Remembering when I was 5 and in the tub, my mom had to answer the phone, so I leapt out the tub, ran down the street naked to a park and punched a kid who threw a rock at me the day before. His Dad saw what happened and chased me up the street to where my Mom was just losing it
My cat just dragged in a half eaten sausage, I have no idea where he got it from but it tastes expensive.
I don’t worry about my ex husband stealing my identity because he never even remembered my birthday
*limping in, covered in makeshift bandages*
Wife: Ready to admit that a puma does not make a good housecat?
Me: He’s just lonely. We need another puma.
Auto correct changed “dingo” into “condom” which is still accurate. The condom did kind of eat my baby. All my babies.
Dear scientists,
We have enough milks stop milking things and cure cancer
I was bored.
[giving best man speech] can I say something without everybody getting mad
People are great at finding evidence that supports their beliefs while dismissing any evidence that contradicts them.
Clock: “You need to get up in 6 hours.”
Me: “No you’re mistaken. First I need to Google the lyrics to that song from 9th grade, and then find the episode with the scene where they played that song on BH 90210.”
Hi, I’m Megan. You may know me from such public encounters with kids as “No, YOUR face is stupid” and “I didn’t trip you, you fell”.
Damn boy, are you wearing an anti-gravity suit?
‘Cause I’m not the least bit attracted to you.