NO MATTER HOW MANY ALIENS BIT SCULLY SHE STUCK TO HER GUNS LIKE “NO THESE ARE SCIENCE BITES”. KINDA GOTTA RESPECT THAT.
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Now I lay me down to sleep
I hope you like this and retweet
If I should die before I wake
I may have eaten too much cake
5-year-old: *glares at me* My shoe doesn’t fit.
Me: You grew. How is that my fault?
5: You fed me.
My husband ate the rice I cooked for our new puppy and long story short his bags are packed.
Dont skip breakfast! Eat a journalist! 😋
Mugger: give me everything you’ve got.
Me: *deep breath* AT FIRST I WAS AFRAID I WAS PETRIFIED
Babies who need to wear glasses creep me out. it’s like they are trying to act smarter than me or something, I don’t like it
My 3 year old nephew pronounces the letter ‘s’ like ‘d’ and received a very comprehensive lesson on the importance of the number six tonight.
WIFE: You know, you’re my best friend! Am I your best friend?
ME: [subtly exchanges knowing glance with our dog] Of course you are, sweetie
Made plans to exercise with a friend and now I have to go get in a car accident.
I’m aging like a fine banana
Parenting is easy once you learn the secret. For the love of god, please tell me the secret.
Been married a few times. Always the bride, never the bridesmaid
Waiter: What can I get for you?
Me: Steak, please.
W: How would you like that cooked?
M: By anyone other than my wife
Someone: Im in town!
New Yorkers: OMFG!! That’s so great! Have fun!!!!
The Mrs recognizes my “tell” when I’ve seen an attractive woman: my eyes pop 4 inches out of their sockets and I make a loud “A-OOGA” noise.
[watching wonder woman]
*wonder woman comes onscreen*
Me: (leans over to date) that’s wonder wo-*date throat punches me*
I wish there was enough room on TV for another show called Judge Judy, but where people just stood around criticizing a woman named Judy.
my grandma just asked me if i had a boyfriend and i was like “no” and she was like “well i went to a random funeral because i was bored and that’s how i met your grandfather” ??????
Can you fail a drug test from a mosquito bite?
Asking for the next person this mosquito bites.
Oh, you think your kid is cool? My kid just named his new stuffies Ghost and Bones.
Living the best life.. 😊
I am going to miss shaking hands after sex.
Me as a kid: Willy Wonka is SO cool!
Me as a mom: WHOA! Ease up on the sugar there, Dude!
Cashier at grocery store, “HI THERE! ARE WE HAVING A GOOD MORNING?”
Me, “Please…I have a family.”
*burst into doctor’s office*
ME: I’m no longer canstopetid
DOCTOR: You mean constipated
ME: No I’ve had a vowel movement
DOCTOR: Get out
You have a really old bottle of hair care product in your shower. You have a pre-existing conditioner.
me: *googling* am I dying
web md: nope just sad
me: oh good
web md: and extremely melodramatic tbh
me: that’s fair
web md: and I think your anxiety would be more manageable if you got a job and paid rent
me: *shouting from the basement* mom did you hack my computer again
Pro tip: Never explain to your wife that it’s the washer and dryer that actually does the laundry.
*uneasily answers phone
‘Guess who?’
David?
‘No’
John?
‘No’
Mike?
‘No’
Steve?
‘No, I made you very happy the other night’
Haagen Daz?
‘NO’
Pizza Hut?