Me: first, I wish for you to not judge me
Genie: okay
Me: second, I wish Disney would make another Tarzan sequel
Genie: k…
Me: third, I wish we were at McDonald’s
[McDonald’s]
Me: we’ll have 2 Tarzan Banana McFlurrys please 🙂
Genie: *trying so hard to not look pissed*
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Dear Samsung,
please also start selling jeans that can accommodate your smartphones.
I love Bruce Lee because he studied art and poetry and decided the most beautiful form of self expression is punching someone in the face
Fact if it’s mother is trapped under a car, baby adrenaline gives a baby the super strength of eight babies. But that’s not enough babies!
Monday: *exist*
Garfield, my lawyer: *presents lasagna-stained Cease and Desist order*
I used to watch the Olympics on TV as a child and dream of growing up and also watching the Olympics on TV but on a better TV.
I love when my husband says, “correct me if I’m wrong,” like I would pass up that opportunity.
People say having no friends as a child is bad but if I did have friends back then I would never have invented the frisbeerang.
People who marry themselves are so silly, like you already live together
1st base: sex
2nd base: not wearing makeup
3rd base: calling each other
home run: discussing your mental health issues and past traumas
[on phone with poison control] How much would I have to swallow to be just sick enough to miss work for a few days?
Some of you should be ashamed of yourselves. You know who you are. I probably should be too, but this isn’t about me.
[girl petting my dog] what’s his name?
[thinking about how women want to feel safe] seat belt
Noah’s wife: the ark is falling apart
Noah: glue might work, I have an idea
Horse: it’s weird he brought 3 of us
God grant me the FOOD to sustain my body,
the LAUNDRY DETERGENT to wash the stains from my clothes,
and the WISDOM to know the difference.
“Don’t sit down and wait for the opportunities to come. Get up and make them.”
*sandwiches
Carefully choosing my grocery check out line based on the back of who’s head I want to beam hate into for the next 15 minutes.
The more I parent the more convinced I am that the ears on toddlers are purely for decoration.
[reflecting on past]
“Ah, yes. I see what the problem is. See all of this?”
*gestures at everything*
“All of this is wrong.”
Don’t get me wrong, I’m not whining because of the cold. I’m whining because I have to wear a entire load of laundry to stay warm
Welcome to your forties, you’re now wondering why younger people are so dumb
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who didn’t really want you to take a bite of the cookie he offered you
Fun things 2 say 2 men:
Turn that frown upside down. Make ur mouth don’t face south. Have ur lips do some flips. Make that sneer disappear.
Yes yes your avi is very attractive, but before this goes any further I need to know which streaming services you have passwords to.
“Alexa, homeschool the children.”
Them: Alcohol is not a healthy coping mechanism.
Me: Okay but when I tried to keep a therapist in the cupboard above the fridge I got in trouble so…
Scientist: The eclipse will be just like this…
People: Wow, you were right.
Scientist: Now about climate change
People: Shut up egghead
My wife let me remove all her clothes last night.
From the dryer.
I went outside without makeup on. A child cried and I think a bird flew into a window on purpose.
“What if I took the dumbest person I know, got them severely drunk, and challenged them to finish my sentences?” — inventor of Autocorrect
doctor: god you’re unhealthy
me: we haven’t started the check-up
doctor: ya i just found your insta