A comma is just a period with a mullet.
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It’s widely known that some members of a prison population become well-read and crafty with words.
Sometimes you can mix prose with cons.
Doubt I’ll ever forget this scene 😂
Professor: There are no stupid questions
Me: What happens if you stab someone with a healing crystal?
Professor: There is one stupid question
“I had the worst Cruise ever.” – Katie Holmes
Dunno how you Americans have the motivation and energy to pronounce the ‘y’ in ‘basil’ and ‘tomatoes’.
New Subway rule: You must give the person in front of you a wedgie if they take more than 5 seconds to choose what kind of bread they want.
*amasses epic army of stoners but we do nothing because epic army of stoners*
Me: Wanna have sex?
Wife: With you or in general?
Look, I just feel like I shouldn’t have to bend over backward to get an exorcism.
the male barbie should’ve been named barbo
police: im sorry to both of you. your son set the school on fire.
parents: arson?
police: yes, your son.
What Harry Potter house am I in?! I am a SERIOUS and MATURE adult.
So Ravenclaw.
the cool thing about having longer hair is using it to floss your teeth in a pinch
Have manufacturers of picket fences ever gone on strike? Because the irony would be awesome.
Take your time, I’ll wait.
Why does everyone mention that in space no-one can hear you scream instead of mentioning something positive like how no-one can hear u yodel
Me: Can I get a 12 inch sub?
Naval officer: They’re usually a lot bigger
I sleep naked because I want burglars to feel weird.
I camp so other people don’t have to.
vampire: *goes to bite me*
me: ohhh nooo don’t make me immortal and super strong and sexy aaaahhh
Don’t judge me because it said “family size” and I ate the whole thing.
It might have been meant for a really small family.
My son unloading the dishwasher literally sounds like he dumped the whole thing on the floor & I should probably go look but I haven’t heard any screaming so I think we’re good.
What idiot named it “proposing marriage” and not “engaging the enemy”?
One advantage of adulthood is how easy it is to force my way to the front of the line at the ice cream truck.
Not sure what I did wrong to get targeted ads for pants with underwear sewn in.
Monday: *exists*
Me: I didn’t agree to any of this.
BREAKING NEWS: 23 injured while running with bulls. Authorities say injuries happened because folks were stupid enough to run… with bulls.
I wonder if there are introvert birds who get tired of all the chatter coming from the extrovert birds.
Don’t talk to me, I’m sober.
My house looks amazing from the outside…as for the inside, its nothing that a decent fire wouldn’t fix